inPoherent

2007-07-10T21:34:00.001-04:00

Jesus, leave Blogger for a few months, and I can't even figure out how to create a title. WHY CAN'T I CLICK THERE?? But in any event, the title would probably be "Hello, I Must Be Going"...since it's clear that I don't have the time or energy to maintain a blog on a regular basis. Sure, there are things I think of from time to time that are pretty damned clever...but after the moment passes, I realize that there are hundreds, nay, thousands of assholes much bigger than me ranting about the very same thing, though usually without as much attention to grammar or style.

So I take this opportunity to thank my vast readership for their support...I will visit both of your blogs as I remember to do so...and continue on with my private ranting and occasionally-witty observations privately.

That being said, I will share one last fond dream...which occurred while watching ESPN's Sunday night baseball broadcast a couple of weeks back, Yankees vs. Mets...which probably garnered some interest from lifeless jerks in NYC who couldn't get tickets, but as for most of the rest of us, my greatest wish was to watch an enormous meteor descend on Yankee Stadium, preparing to take out everyone except Jon Miller and Joe Morgan (a great broadcast team), and to see noted asshole Derek Jeter mug for the camera one more time before the white-hot mass of space detritus took out half of the South Bronx. Now that's entertainment. This blog, regrettably, is no longer so.

Now back to something really important. The All-Star Game.

Yes, still here...

2007-01-16T22:08:00.000-05:00

No, this blog is not yet on death watch...but between holidays, potential job changes, and a whole bushel o' other stuff, haven't had much of a chance to sit down and entertain my vast (2) readership. But I haven't forgotten about all (both) of you! Hope to be back soon...

Hug your kids...again

2006-12-12T22:12:00.000-05:00

Don't know how far-reaching the news was, but if you heard about the suburban-Philly high school where a student committed suicide with an AK-47 today, it was our little high school, where my younger daughter is a freshman (and, had she been a little more efficient in post-first-period organization, would have been out in the hall, right in the middle of the action).

She was not in physical danger, but like us is still very shaken. Hug your kids, pets, significant others, whoever tonight. Talk to them. Listen to them. And hope and pray that those who are troubled, with themselves or others, seek another solution than at the end of a gun, particularly one that has no business being privately-owned.

A Hard Place To Play

2006-12-05T13:29:00.000-05:00

This nugget gleaned (been doing a lot of gleaning recently, since it doesn't require the cognitive or time commitment of original prose) from today's sports pages:

The Colorado Rapids will open Major League Soccer's newest stadium April 7 when they host D.C. United at Dick's Sporting Goods Park to open the league's 12th season.

Now, given the trend to nickname sports stadiums by using the word "The" followed by a shortening of the stadium's actual name - e.g. Veterans Stadium known as "The Vet," Lincoln Financial Field as "The Linc", the former Bank One Ballpark as "The Bob," we can only wait in breathless anticipation for the first sportscaster to say "Well, Bob, the Rapids went down at The Dick tonight..."

Do you suppose someone, ANYONE, gave this any forethought?

Law of the Prairie

2006-12-01T14:15:00.000-05:00

Gleaned from my ISP's home page. When is someone going to hunt down that damned Midwest and bring it to justice?

30-Minute Fatwa

2006-12-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

The Rachael Rayization of America Must Stop.

I mean, the giggling, jiggling FoodSkank is EVERYWHERE. Now, I can't even go into my local Acme (if you want to sound truly Philadelphian, you say that you're going to "The Ack-A-Me") without a big Nabisco display of Rachael and her perky, vapid mug on all my favorite snack crackers. Yet another reason why I should shop more often at Whole Foods.

The Inquirer's Karen Heller, a great columnist, offers up this snark on Rachael and similar Food Network pseudo-celebrities.

We need someone, anyone, to offer up a fatwa on Rachael. I implore our Muslim brethren: Don't worry about the Pope in Turkey. Worry about Rachael on my Triscuits.

This Pert, Supple News Just In!

2006-11-17T18:36:00.000-05:00

The FDA approved silicone breast implants made by Mentor and Allergan, the companies said, ending more than a decade of tight restrictions on the controversial devices. The silicone devices may find widespread acceptance among a generation of women too young to remember the high-profile health concerns and litigation they once sparked.

"High-profile" being the operative word here.

A Great Evening...

2006-11-16T08:59:00.000-05:00

With an amazing set of ingredients.

Seeing awesome guitarist/songwriter Willy Porter and his band (added bonus for baseball fans: one song on new CD mentions former Red Sox/Brewers 1B Cecil Cooper.)
Fabulous concert venue which, I'm ashamed to admit, I had not been to until last night: World Cafe Live , just off the University of Pennsylvania campus. Incredible acoustics.
Nice dinner and one of my favorite beers, Magic Hat #9, on draft.

And on a school night, yet!

White Sheets are the New Black

2006-11-15T15:26:00.000-05:00

This news item just in:

WASHINGTON - Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott, ousted from the top Senate Republican leadership job four years ago because of remarks considered racially insensitive, won election to the chamber's No. 2 GOP post Wednesday.

Somewhere, Strom Thurmond is smiling, and somewhere on the other end of that great celestial avenue, God is saying, "what exactly are these assholes thinking?"

Election Punctuation

2006-11-15T10:13:00.000-05:00

Forgot to mention this in the lead-up to the mid-term elections, but I found this in my driveway the Sunday before:

(thanks to The Philly Inquirer's blog for the photo.)

Yes, the smug, self-satisfied, Neanderthal mug of our soon-to-be-ex-Junior Senator, on a newspaper bag sponsored by the voter action arm of those AmmoFascists, the NRA.

Finally put the bag to good use today, as my canine pal Libby (now THERE's a mug for you, eh?) helped me make a political statement during our morning constitutional.

And the good news is, THIS Sunday's paper, post-election, also had a Santorum bag. Next time, Libby and I will have the foresight to turn the bag inside-out first, thus preserving the photo and NRA address on the outside, suitable for affixing a stamp and mailing.

No, WE'RE the "Deciders"

2006-11-08T22:55:00.000-05:00

Do you suppose that President Bush can pronounce, much less spell, "repudiate?"

What a great freaking day to read the newspaper, or listen to the radio, hoping, of course, that the well-reasoned statements about cooperation and non-partisanship hold true. And in a Pollyannaish kind of way, I think there's a greater chance of that happening, given that control over our representative bodies has been soundly given to those who generally do NOT include Dividing, Maligning, or Denying as their central tenets of government.

Time will tell. But I feel like our ride, as thoughtful citizens, for the next two years has just been very nicely pimped.

Signs of No Life

2006-11-06T16:45:00.000-05:00

So Mrs. Po and I are at the local supermarket late yesterday afternoon, picking up an item that we needed to make dinner, and while we're in the checkout line, I look toward the end of the conveyor and say:

"Oh, look, the Super Fresh has a new design on their grocery bags!"

Followed shortly thereafter by:

"Oh. My. God. How pathetic has my life become?"

Well, I suppose the good news is that it's not as pathetic as those who think Rachael Ray is a gourmet chef. The Philadelphia Inquirer's Diane Heller has a spot-on dig at Rachael, her Food Network companions (including the unwatchable Paula Deen, who takes five syllables to say the word "oil"), and those who feel that their work is nouvelle cuisine, here.

Let the record state that I was NOT buying Hamburger Helper, but sliced bamboo shoots in order to make homemade Hot and Sour Soup with shrimp (which was quite good, if I do say so myself).

Make. Them. Stop.

2006-11-01T21:03:00.000-05:00

Only 5 days remain...not until we thoughtfully, and with discernment, elect a slate of legislators focused on the will of the people and what's good for our country, of course, but until the onslaught of negative ads stops. Isn't it getting worse each and every election cycle? Doesn't anyone have anything good to say about themselves or about a particular candidate? One can't watch the local evening news, for example, without every commercial break filled to near-capacity with one slime-filled ad after another. I read at some point that the National Republican Campaign Committee (whose ads, like those of their Democratic counterparts, allegedly do not support any particular candidate...yeah, right)'s ad funding runs about 9-to-1 negative to positive...Dems at 5-to-1. Both figures seem a little low.

Were I an independent voter -- and let it be said that I'm not a party-line voter, but that my positions and moral values (and by that I do NOT mean "abortion and gay marriage") are more consistent with those of Democratic candidates than of Republicans -- I might be motivated to vote for the candidate whose ads were least negative, if only to send a message. However, that's not the way it works...negative ads are, regrettably, more influential and more remembered than positive ads, particularly with our short-attention-span electorate who are more likely to vote for an Americans Idle candidate than one running for local school board. Sad.

Speaking of sad, we have a couple of prime examples here in suburban Fluffya. Our local house race features a Republican candidate whose only discernible qualification, or at least most-mentioned resume item, is that he was a contestant on "The Apprentice." (He was not hired, and is unlikely to be hired for the House of Representatives either, thankfully.) His only apparent platform plank is to "Secure the Border NOW," engaging in a one-quarter clever, three-quarter ridiculous stunt where he crossed the Rio Grande with an elephant and a mariachi band, to illustrate how easy it is to cross the border into the United States. (Illegal immigration is too large an issue to discuss here - suffice it to say that a big-ass fence that covers about 30% of the border ain't going to do the trick, if you like the Keep-Em-Out approach, and also makes it difficult for those on this side of the border to get across, or perhaps access water for their ranches/homes, as well.) Interestingly, a number of hand-written signs espousing a kinder approach -- "Love Your Neighbor As Yourself," "Christopher Columbus Was An Illegal Immigrant," to name a couple -- have shown up around the Secure The Border Now signs for Mr. Failed Apprentice.

And our other shining star, of course, is junior Senator Rick Santorum, spawn of Satan, he of the creepy smug, self-righteous, Stepford-Republican look. The guy is so far right of center, and right of right, that he should have his own party with its own zip code. He has also made frequent mention of the charming term "Islamic Fascism" to describe the insidious forces that aim to bring down our way of life (hmmm...you think calling them "Fascists" has anything to do with it?), as if these forces are any less evil and insidious than the Conservative Christian Fascism that gives life, darkness, and purpose to all Santorum and his Neo-Con cave-mates do. (I'm willing to cut him some slack on the inaccurate use of the term "Fascism" - after all, he has his house in Virginia, his large brood of little right-wing nutjobs, and his hopefully-soon-to-be K Street lobbying job on his mind.) In any event, we can hope that he, too, goes into Job Hiatus next Tuesday, at the hands of a Santorum-Lite candidate (Democratic, but regrettably somewhat Cro-Magnon on social issues), Robert Casey Jr. At which point Santorum will have plenty of time to rail on Liberal Fascism.

(Internet Fun: Google "Santorum." Go ahead.)

An aside: the other day, I was in the car, behind a monster SUV sporting two bumper stickers - one with some kind of anti-abortion (excuse me, "Pro-Life") message, and the other saying "I'm A Woman, and I'm With Rick Santorum." Let's just hope, darling, that you and I don't end up being The Last Two People On Earth, unless you're into self-stimulation.

Me? I'd Rather Be Driving

2006-10-16T14:00:00.000-04:00

For what it's worth, in my long-awaited Kingdom, I would have the power to immediately vaporize any vehicle in front of me with license plate frame or bumper sticker that says "I'd Rather Be Golfing," "I'd Rather Be Flying," or any of the RatherBe ilk. If you'd truly rather be doing one of these things, do us ALL a favor and get the f**k off the road, OK? Some of us are actually driving and would like you to focus on the same.

I saw one yesterday that said "I'd Rather Be in Whitefish, Montana." Knock yourself out, dude. Take the immediate next left and just keep on driving West.

Meanwhile, back at the Castle, Daughter #1 was home for the weekend. We've yet to get a handle on her academic progress, but her status as a member of Red Sox Nation is intact: shortly after getting in the car and hearing the sports come on the radio, she commented, "Cory Lidle flew a plane into a building. Stupid Yankees." It was a brief visit - some time with friends, a nice hit on the credit card at BJ's (primarily, beef jerky, bottled water, and fruit juice), and an unexplained ding in the side of Mrs. Po's car (which could have been, to be fair, unknown to her as well, as this car has proved itself in the past to emanate waves that say "Hit Me."). We're now back to normal at the homestead...

...Just in time to look at this morning's paper, in which one of the TV highlights (must be a bad, bad day for TV) is listed as follows:

Rachael Ray (10-11 am, Channel 6) - Actress Jessica Simpson; four roommates learn how to share a bathroom.

Dear Rachael: EVOO clearly now stands for Entertainment (or Educational, take your pick) Value Obviously Optional."

What the heck...

2006-10-12T11:02:00.000-04:00

...since I already know that I have a well-situated booth awaiting me at the bar in Hell (look for me! I've got the first round), I feel comfortable saying the following, as a cynical baseball fan, upon hearing the news that Yankee (and ex-Phillie) pitcher Cory Lidle was killed when his private plane crashed into a building in NYC yesterday:

Yet another start where he failed to get deep enough into the game. RIP, Mr. 5 2/3 IP.

I Was Just Wondering...

2006-10-11T08:03:00.000-04:00

...when the Republicans rant on about the dangers of "The Gay Agenda," are they referring to the contents of Mark Foley's Day-Timer?

(Which, to be accurate, should be referred to as "The Sick, Hypocritical Pedophile Agenda.")

And while we've chosen the category of Current Events, Alex (though I far prefer the original host, Art Fleming), I can't help but laugh any time I hear the name of North Korean President/Whackjob Kim Jong Il, as it reminds me of a comedy bit from a while back (damned if I can remember who did it) that mocked Bush trying to read his name and calling him "King John II." Satire is soooooo good when it's entirely plausible.

Brain Spilleth Over

2006-10-03T21:28:00.000-04:00

Yes, kids, it's that time once again when snippets of blog ideas start coming out of my ears (and cluttering my voice recorder), so as a service to YOU, my two or three regular readers, I am posting the following to let you know I haven't forgotten about this blog entirely:

Heard on NPR, as an underwriting announcement: "Support provided by the NCAA, for over 100 years of educating student-athletes for achivement and success." Oh, puh-leeeeze. Let's net out the ones who don't graduate in four years, those who don't graduate at all, and those who end up arrested for some kind of recruiting violation or crime, and then we'll talk about educating student-athletes. Why don't we call some of these "schools" professional-sports farm teams and be done with all the lies?
What Daughter #1 Has Learned At College: "At Applebee's, appetizers are half-price after 10:00, Dad!"
Thought: If President Bush pronounces "nuclear" noo-kyoo-ler, why doesn't he pronounce "unclear" un-kyoo-ler?
Fun Bush bumper stickers seen recently: "American Errorist." "Help save the environment: plant a Bush in Texas."
Someone, anyone, MUST stop the exponential growth of Rachael Ray in our consciousness. Food Network? Fine, though her 30-Minute-Meals shows aren't exactly rocket science, nor are they fine cooking, but if they persuade anyone to pick up a spatula rather than a take-out menu, they're doing a greater good. And, admittedly, I have thought on more than once occasion of her flat on the butcher-block table with me brandishing the EVOO. But she's gotten way too big for her dishes. Magazines? Talk shows? Big ads on buses? No. It must stop. Back to the kitchen, darling. You're too much of a good thing. I used to like you (as I did Renee Zellweger, who has yet to reach out to me), but no more. (THIS should cause some consternation in the Rachael Ray Empire.)
Sat through a business presentation recently, which was promised to be a must-see for those of us concerned about the performance of certain operational areas of the company. About mid-way through, I had this thought: do you suppose the folks on the Titanic might have been comforted, mid-sinking, by some jackass MBA with nine pages of Powerpoint slides telling them the ship was indeed sinking?
On the road, I will go out of my way NOT to do any favors, yield my right of way, etc. for someone in an expensive luxury car or a SUV. I will always yield to hybrids, however. Other fun road observations: the larger the SUV, the smaller and more distracted the blonde driving it. The more expensive the car, the smaller the penis of the male driver. (I have not done a full scientific study of the latter. Let's just call it a hypothesis.)
And finally, that wacky Rep. Mark Foley (R-Florida) and his merry band of GOP Kover-Up Kops, just spinning out of control. Alcohol abuse? Naah, probably not enough. Abused as a teenager? Eww, don't want to go there. Wait...wait...yes, Rep. Foley admits he's gay! Distances him from we good Republicans, and we then twist this to damn the Democrats and their gay agenda! That's it! Great job, Karl! (Note to Mr. Rove et al: pedophiles are not, by definition, homosexuals, despite Republican Party and Catholic Church leadership's feelings otherwise; they are, however sick f*ing human beings.)

Why Daddy Drinks

2006-09-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

How's this for a morning rush even more intense than that from a Starbucks triple espresso: the phone call from a frantic Mrs. Po at 8:30 this morning that "someone's in the (daughter #2's) high school with a gun."

That gets one's attention in a hurry. And immediately spikes the heart rate. The stories of incidents in other cities and towns flash back before you, and get you thinking - where is the gun-toting student? Is there more than one? What's the issue here? And you realize the worst thing of all - there isn't a damned thing that a parent can do, except hope for the best and fight back the emotions that pour forth when, eerily concurrent with the end of the phone call, my laptop's screensaver kicks in and flashes a photo of daughter #2, taken at the high school, last year at daughter #1's graduation.

Add to this the fact that Mrs. Po's elementary school is a stone's throw from the high school, and she not only has to deal with the fact that her child is in a locked-down school, but also with a classroom of third graders who are similarly locked-down and in the classroom.

I could go into my anti-gun rant here, or link you to Cheryl Wheeler's great song about a similar situation that ended in tragedy, but the fact of the matter is that anyone with an axe to grind about anything, who may or may not be mentally unstable enough to act on it, can act out and cause a tragedy to happen -- but it's a heck of a lot more dangerous, because virtually anyone in this country can get a handgun just as easily as they can get a pack of cigarettes or a bag of Doritos. (Oops...guess that was a mini-rant.)

Thankfully, the incident was resolved quickly and without injury - turns out that someone saw the student enter the high school with the gun, immediately reported it to staff, and all schools were locked down AFTER the student left the building, and he was apprehended (hopefully with techniques similar to those the Bush Administration endorses for dealing with "enemy combatants") in a nearby neighborhood about an hour later. I still feel like I'm running at 120 mph, though.

Daughter #2 did call on her cell phone (probably a violation of school rules, but I think the kids were deservedly cut a little slack today) an hour or so later, which was a relief. Several students had left to go home, but she figured there was enough police protection around there that she didn't want to. She assured me she was fine, but I figured I'd use the time-tested technique of prompting for dialogue from the movie "Airplane!" to check her anxiety level:

"So are you OK now? Were you nervous?"

"A little bit."

"First time?"

"No, I've been nervous before."

Yeah, she's OK, for now. But she may need to join Mrs. Po and I for a cocktail and a big hug this evening.

From the Air...

2006-09-11T15:16:00.000-04:00

Everyone on this and every other planet (including the late, lamented Pluto) seems to have weighed in on the fifth anniversary of the 9/11/01 terrorist attacks. All I'll add to the mix, as I wait (with some anxiety) to board an airplane at Philly International, is that it would be refreshing to see a fraction of the energy spent on retrospectives, Administration photo-ops, and haggling over design of memorials redirected toward understanding of why 9/11 happened (arguably, American imperialism and arrogance) and the spirit of charity, volunteerism, and non-partisan unity that seemed to permeate our country in the days after 9/11, sadly to have disappeared long before this fifth anniversary.

If we remember anything, let it be those who lost loved ones and those who gave their lives attempting to save the victims. Let's forget about replaying the video over and over again, the flag-waving God-Bless-Us chest-pounding, etc...shame on those that, to this day, use 9/11 to elicit fear, promote violence, and increase division among the American people, as well as between us and those who disagree with us. As it has been said, God blesses everyone - no exceptions. A simple lesson, at the heart of most every faith, completely foreign to our national leadership and thousands of magnetic-ribbon-on-SUV drones.

Along those lines, I have to share the message from a church sign that I saw recently, one that is egregious on SO many levels:

FOR ALL YOU DO
HIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU

Ewww, theologically and otherwise. Where do these fundamentalist churches get this crap? Are there factories somewhere where hordes of low-paid workers sit on assembly lines and think up this tripe, overseen by supervisors who thump them with Bibles (modern translation, with color pictures, no doubt) to increase their simpleton productivity? Can members of these churches, relishing the cheap, no-thought-required, grace heaped upon them, spell Bonhoeffer or Barth?

Saw the aforementioned sign while traveling to deliver Daughter #1 to college to start her freshman year, an age-affirming and somewhat traumatic event observed later that evening by the ceremonial consumption of Scotch (me) or Bourbon (mom) whiskey. Kind of strange, still, to have one fewer person in the house, though Daughter #2 is enjoying the spotlight, and her sister's stereo, though she is ambivalent over the sister's chores that she has assumed. Not to mention the full, focused force of Evil Parental Oversight.

We received word last week (via instant message, which I advised is NOT the medium for such news) from Daughter #1 that she has acquired a tattoo during her first week at school. ("But not a tramp-stamp, Dad.". Right.) After the initial flare of temper subsided, Mom and I realized that there really isn't a damn thing we can do about it - she is, after all, 18. As I noted, adults are free to make their own idiotic decisions. How else can we explain how Bush/Cheney was elected twice?

Boarding the plane. Nice to see so many fewer carryon bags. Could use a drink, though...

(Postscript: the movie on the plane was "Poseidon." United Airlines' attempt to make us feel better about air travel??)

Forty-somethings

2006-08-29T21:34:00.000-04:00

Haven't discussed baseball for a while, but figured I'd share a little something I sent around to some friends of mine last evening:

PHILADEPHIA, PA (AP), August 28 - The Philadelphia Phillies, surprisingly in the midst of the National League Wild Card race after dumping 25% of their roster at the July trading deadline, have made another late-season acquisition to solidify their hopeful-playoff roster. After acquiring 43-year-old Jamie Moyer and 40-year-old Jeff Conine for the stretch run, GM Pat Gillick today announced the signing of unrestricted free agent Leroy "Satchel" Paige to give the Fightin' Phils another experienced arm for the wild-card drive.

Paige, 101 years old, has been dead for over a year, but Gillick downplayed this minor drawback. "Satchel's got a world of experience," Gillick said, "and I think he can help our young pitchers during the stretch drive, even though he's deceased. Like Ryan Franklin, he's an innings-eater." Scouts say that Paige passed his physical examination, once exhumed, and is in better shape than Phils ace Jon Lieber.

Negotiations continue between the Phillies and the agents for pitchers Walter "Big Train" Johnson and Cy Young.

Strange times for baseball in Philadelphia. The Phils unloaded some contracts at the end of July, including that of Gold Glover Bobby Abreu ("You Cannot Err If You Do Not Try To Make The Play"), and now find themselves playing with a new level of energy. Ryan Howard (who just hit his 48th home run, a projectile hit so high and so long into the Washington night sky that it most likely sent Dick Cheney scurrying to his undisclosed-location underground bunker) is just scary. A playoff spot is, dare I say it, within reach. The mediocrity of the National League doesn't hurt.

And a fun baseball fact gleaned from the last game I attended, a week or so ago: Phillies third baseman Abraham Nunez batting against Washington Nationals relief pitcher Saul Rivera, in what may very well have been the first matchup between two players with Jewish first names and Hispanic surnames. I'll have to do some research.

As for my Red Sox...well, we may have to address this at another time...their fortunes have clearly gone the way of the $1.50 bleacher seat...

Walking From New Orleans

2006-08-28T14:43:00.000-04:00

YES, I understand that Hurricane Katrina was a pretty motherfucking powerful storm. (That's "MPS" in National Hurricane Center lingo.)

YES, I know that the Bush administration, with characteristic deftness and aplomb, was blissfully ignorant of the impending disaster and compounded this ineptness by totally dropping the ball on disaster relief/recovery. (There are probably still, to this day, truckloads of ice still aimlessly cruising the Interstate Highway System, stopping only occasionally for gas, on Halliburton's account, no doubt.)

YES, I feel compassion for those who lost lives, loved ones, homes, possessions, and/or their bearings, and are to this day struggling to get things together.

(In the midst of this self-revelation, I do need to ask which genius thought it was a Good Idea to build a city under sea level, on the Gulf Coast, at the mouth of perhaps the largest river in the Northern Hemisphere. But I digress.)

But let's get over it, shall we, people?

If I read, hear, or see another Katrina Anniversary piece, I will lose whatever shred of compassion I have left. Other people have been through hurricanes and had their lives rent asunder as well. My 13-year-old daughter traveled to Florida this past summer to help people whose houses were still in disrepair from a powerful hurricane that, unfortunately for them, came a little further down the alphabet than the letter "K," and as a result received little notice, press, or help, and most likely will NOT be included in The Anderson Cooper Retrospective On Last Year's Anderson Cooper Hurricane Katrina Coverage. Timing is everything, folks. Sorry.

Let's only hope and pray that a new Paris Hilton oral sex video shows up on the internet (preferably involving a farm animal) to get everyone's attention redirected.

AND THIS NEWS ITEM JUST IN: (Thank you, MSNBC!)

Paris Hilton is furious with Cher’s son for claiming that the two had sex — and that then he worried that he caught something from her.

Elijah Blue Allman, Cher’s son by rocker Gregg Allman, went on the Howard Stern show last week and boasted that he had a fling with Hilton before she was famous. Allman, who is the lead singer and guitarist for the band Deadsy, said that after the encounter, he became so worried that he might have contracted a disease that he went downstairs and scrubbed his private parts with a household cleaner, probably Tilex.

Hilton is “not happy” about Allman’s comments, says a source, even though he described Hilton as a “sweet girl.”

Thanks, Evil-Doers!

2006-08-22T09:27:00.000-04:00

While going through my voice recorder that serves as handheld backup memory (hey - sometimes when I get a fleeting thought, important or otherwise, I had better capture it somewhere before it goes fleeting elsewhere!), I found an old blog idea as follows: "were I King of the World, eliminate all carry-on baggage on airlines," dictated following yet another frustrating travel experience in mid-July in which many patrons feel it is their birthright and a requirement to inconvenience every other passenger on the plane by carrying on all of their worldly possessions and then taking their sweet time unloading their carry-on from the overhead bins (generally, not the bin over their seats). Indeed, were I King, airline boarding and de-boarding would be a much more pleasant experience, as everyone would simply walk into the airplane, free of such luggage encumbrances, quickly sit in his or her seat, and de-board in a similar fashion.

But our Great-Satan-hating friends, the Terrorists (in Bushspeak: "Turrists"), have solved the problem for us! Recently-uncovered plots against trans-Atlantic flights have resulted in a sweeping ban against certain items, generally liquids that most folks carry in their overnight kits in their massive carry-on luggage, which will hopefully eliminate a great deal of this luggage. So as long as the flight attendants keep a steady stream of bottled water coming so that we don't die of dehydration on the plane, this King of the Infidels has one thing to say to Terror: thanks!

Return from Exile

2006-08-17T17:28:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all 2 or 3 of regular readers for your patience...finally back from blog exile, most of which was self-imposed (just got out of the routine in July), but for the last couple of weeks was due to "vacation" with my in-laws at the Jersey shore. (Why yes, that is a contradiction in terms.)

While my in-laws are well-meaning and generous to a fault (having paid for the house rental), two weeks with them is like death by a thousand little cuts. I believe I have mentioned earlier my mother-in-law (motto: "Life...with Narration!"), for whom blissful silence is a scourge on the Earth from which she feels she has been chosen to eradicate, which drives me absolutely crazy. I mean, I enjoy having a bagel in the morning without someone telling me, "Oh, you're having a bagel for breakfast today!"

And agida for lunch.

After the first week, I'm thinking that getting back to work wouldn't be all that bad.

After 10 days, I'm playing the "what-if" game with every ex-girlfriend and woman I dated or even thought of dating, or perhaps bought an ice cream from the evening before. Thankfully, I'm now back in civilization, and the anticipation about getting back to work has subsided to the usual low level of dread.

I've also found that I'm not really all that much into the beach any more. There is plenty to like about the New Jersey shore - nice beaches, I do enjoy swimming in the ocean, long, flat bike rides, and an opportunity to sit back and enjoy God's creation (and, in some cases, the enhancement to same by the Main Line's finest plastic surgeons). But maybe it's me...it seems as if, at least in some of the Shore communities (including the one where we were), it's just an amplification of the self-satisfied, conspicuously-consuming, mindless-Republican lifestyle that is just so repulsive in day-to-day life, taking on a vibrant new life of its own writ large here, without any of those pesky minorities or socially-responsible folks to ruin their fun! Bring on the Escalades and the BMWs, the beach-block reconstitutions of their suburban McMansions (built high to block the neighbors' view of the ocean), replete with swimming pools for those too lazy to walk the half-block to the beach, and palladium windows everywhere (thought: does the job description for an Andersen or Pella sales rep say "blow every architect you can find. Repeat"?), the sport-utility strollers for their pre-prep-school offspring, the Idle Blonde trophy wives with skin burnished to the texture and color of fine Corinthian naugahyde (to look good for those Rick Santorum fundraisers in the fall). It's all just a little much. But a few days of sun, a lot of reading (bet I'm the only one reading Bonhoeffer on the beach in Avalon), the aforementioned bike riding, and copious amounts of vodka weren't all bad.

On the other end of the Shore social spectrum are the various boardwalk attractions...for some reason, I thought it would be fun to go to the Ocean City boardwalk one evening with the kids, and wondered why I would have ever enjoyed it. God, as soon as I got back to the house, all I wanted was a hot shower. Places like that give sleaze a bad name.

As a sporadic but relatively serious bike rider, the benefits of the Shore's flat, wide streets also come with shortcomings, namely that people who never ride or understand bicycle laws/etiquette come out of the woodwork for their only rides (I use the term loosely) of the year. You've got your folks who ride without helmets (particularly the parents who make their children wear them, but don't themselves: the "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" school, and the others who think that their Burberry golf caps provide adequate head protection), ride without lights at night, ride against traffic, ride as if they don't have a fucking clue, ride while talking on cell phones ("hi, how are ya, about to hit the pavement, gotta go!"), various combinations of the above, etc. Can't we put in Idiot Lanes for them to keep them out of our way? Oh well, more targets for the Escalades...

Space...The Final Service Bay

2006-07-07T15:13:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or does it seem that recent Space Shuttle missions have as their major tasks and objectives little more than viewing, prioritizing, and fixing damage from lift-off?

Life Isn't Fair

2006-07-05T22:05:00.000-04:00

If there were truly any justice in this world, you know that King Criminal Wussy Ken Lay would not have died earlier today, before spending one day in prison. Where is the fairness when Ken gets to go on to The Great Hereafter (note to Kenny: don't be looking for Jesus where you're going), rather than rot in prison? With only a modicum of fairness, Ken would be someone's bitch for the rest of his life, greeted by his cellmate with "Mr. LAY? How apropos."

We can only hope that the legal means to recover some renumeration for his crimes trumps probate...

FAIR AND BALANCED

2006-06-23T13:11:00.000-04:00

Just curious...why is it that the FOX network is always in capital letters? It's not as if the letters stand for anything, like NBC, CBS, or ABC, unless you take Ces' suggestion that it stands for "Fucking Old Xenophobes."

Could it be that FOX viewers don't understand or appreciate the subtle grammatical interplay between upper-case and lower-case letters? Or do they just like to be shouted at all the time?

Is June over yet?

2006-06-20T20:24:00.000-04:00

Last month, I commented how the end-of-school-year stuff was simply tuckering me out. But things just haven't gotten better in June. I'm not enumerating this stuff to brag, or to look like one of those overscheduling parents (because I am so NOT that way), but here's what the last couple and next week look like...

Sunday, June 11 - Daughter #2's state Girlchoir concert, downtown Philly
Monday, June 12 - Daughter #1's senior class awards presentation and lunch
Tuesday, June 13 - Daughter #1's high school graduation. Dinner for 14 at home follows.
Wednesday, June 14 - Try and get caught up on work, and prepare for weekend's graduation party.
Thursday and Friday, June 15 and 16 - out-of-town business trip. Back late Friday.
Saturday, June 17 - prep and deliver Daughter #2 for church youth group work camp.
Sunday, June 18 - Daughter #1's graduation party. Due to her naivete or the complete classlessness of those she invited, we planned for a lot more attendees than actually showed up, leaving us with enough food to feed Sudan for a week. Big blow-up when we tell her she cannot go out afterwards with two guests, who I don't know and who didn't make any effort to speak to us, who I'll refer to at the Slutty McSkank Twins.

So we're into a little lull now. Mrs. Po wrapping up the school year, contemplating a change that will put her into a classroom position next year. But wait - there's more!

Friday, June 23 - Daughter #2 returns from work camp.
Saturday, June 24 - Pseudo-daughter #3 (topic for another post) returns from medical school in Grenada. Mother-in-law to visit again, third time this month. (Note to self: how's that vodka supply holding up?) So much for that delayed Fathers' Day celebration.
Sunday, June 25 - Girlchoir concert and picnic. I've been volunteered to cook.
Monday, June 26 - Pseudo-daughter #3 returns to Bosnia for the summer.
Wednesday, June 28 - Daughter #2 leaves for Girlchoir tour to Pacific Northwest.
Thursday, June 29 - I celebrate (?) my Closest-To-But-Not-Yet-50th Birthday.

So, can you understand why I'm really looking forward for the calendar to turn to July?

Call me random...

2006-06-09T14:08:00.000-04:00

...but just a few quick thoughts from the car yesterday (that, in retrospect, make me think I ought to check for carbon monoxide leaks in the passenger compartment):

This could be a guy thing: is it just me, but don't you feel like you need a cold shower after listening to the Paula Cole song (from the "This Fire" CD) "Feelin' Love?"
Starting the day with a dentist appointment pretty much ensures the rest of the day can only get better. (Follow-up: it really didn't, from a business sense, but I did get lunch at the Greenbrook, NJ Route 22 icon, Texas Weiner II, and later found a $20 bill in the bushes in front of my house, while cutting the grass.)
How do the people who manufacture, market, and sell Hummers sleep nights?
Were I King Of The World, the first power I would want is the ability to take away someone's driver's license, and impound his or her car, on the spot, for any reason I decide (in most cases, it would be because their driving ineptitude and/or attitude annoys me, though I wouldn't want to limit it to that), and leave him or her there in the middle of the freaking road. (Upon further thought, my first act would be to establish a King's Court of Zaftig Blondes to assist me in my royal needs and initiatives.)
There is actually a company called "Hiny Hiders" that manufactures restroom stalls (excuse me, "solid plastic restroom partitions"). Were you to work for Hiny Hiders Inc., how could you answer the question "So, who do you work for?" with a straight face, or without embarrassment?

Panderer-In-Chief

2006-06-05T20:55:00.000-04:00

Shameful.

Breathtakingly shallow.

Frankly, embarrassing.

I refer, of course, to President Bush's recent initiative to demonize gay marriage in a blatantly-transparent effort to pander to the Bible-abusing knuckle-draggers who form the base (an appropriate term if there ever were one) of his Republican constituency. With all the other national, international, and societal problems facing our country, he proposes that we turn to the sacred institution of marriage between a man and a woman, and save it from attack, to "protect families and children." Attack from “activist judges,” many of whom have been put in place by Republican administrations.

And all this expenditure of Senators’ energy, time, posturing and blather for a proposed Constitutional amendment that has zero, zip, no change of making it out of the Senate, simply to give the appearance of throwing a bone to the conservatives. Memo to the Conservatives: are you so blind in your hatred of gays and lesbians that you can’t see through this latest proposal? Or are you salivating so much that you just don’t care? What’s next, sending the National Guard to Provincetown or San Francisco?

Last I checked, heterosexual couples aren't exactly doing a bang-up job preserving the sacred institution. Why not a constitutional amendment preventing divorce, Mr. President? How about seriously cracking down on spousal abusers, deadbeat dads, etc.? Something, anything, to show some depth of actual, living, breathing concern behind the façade.

Let's get the government out of private lives, shall we? Let's allow the tax and legal benefits extended to heterosexual married couples be extended to all couples in committed, til-death-do-we-part relationships. Let’s treat all love and commitment with dignity. Let's honor ALL people. Let's allow gay couples the same opportunity to live the lives of quiet desperation that heterosexual married couples do.

(Well, maybe we don't put the last part in any legislation...)

Worst Job In The World

2006-06-01T18:56:00.000-04:00

There is NO job that I would want less than the administrator of a city school district. Being literally on the other side of the Philadelphia border (I could throw a stone from my home into the City of Philadelphia), I hear and see what goes on every day in this and presumably most inner-city districts: little funding, much in the way of societal challenges, and demonization by our government, criticizing these schools as "failing" without recognizing that many of these children, and families, live day-to-day in an environment 180 degrees removed from many of those on the other side of the border -- with stable families, well-funded districts, active parent participation in education, well-maintained schools, etc. No one in Washington seems to realize that if you can't level the environmental playing field, you can't expect an inner-city school to "succeed," at least by the so-called No Child Left Behind parameters.

That being said...I have to take a little dig at Philadelphia schools superintendent Paul Vallas, who has done what I think is an exceptional job first in Chicago, and now in Philadelphia, trying to improve a city school district. In response to a recent proposal to increase student contribution toward mass transit in order to try and balance the Philadelphia School District's budget, Vallas asked what else might the District cut to balance the budget -- and listed a few options including "buy less books."

It's "FEWER books," Paul, not "less books." But I respect and admire what you're doing for the city's schools, and wouldn't want your job for the world. Though, someday, something draws me toward crossing Stenton Avenue and trying to help, in whatever little way I can. But I've got to win Powerball first so I can ditch this vicious financial-services cycle that has me here where I am now...

(In retrospect: this little linguistic dig sounds WAY petty. But let's throw it out on the Blogosphere, in the spirit of full disclosure. It's that damned Ketel One talking again.)

Stop The Presses!

2006-05-26T15:41:00.000-04:00

We have a winner in the Best Newspaper Headline Ever! No more submissions, please.

Frankly, 165 years in a country-club "prison" isn't enough. I'd rather see him doing the menial jobs that many of the former Enron employees and stockholders have had to take to make ends meet. Better yet - maybe their most repulsive household chores. Now we're talkin' justice. "Stop yappin' about Jesus and scrub out that toilet, Kenny!"

Strike Out The K

2006-05-25T20:27:00.000-04:00

Yet another of my linguistic pet peeves is the gratuitous substitution of the letter "k" for "c" in an effort to force alliteration of come up with something kute...er, cute and memorable. But sometimes it's Just. Plain. Lame.

Like the RV I passed on the New Jersey Turnpike today that had "Kountry Star" painted on it. What is the point of the "K" here, outside of saying: "I'm An Idiot? "

Sometimes, the goal is cutesy alliteration, e.g. the preschools that go by the name of "Kids' Kampus" or "Kids' Kollege." However, if the goal of the school is to promote thought, socialization, and perhaps a shred of literacy, couldn't you maybe just keep the "c" for "campus" or "college?" Doesn't "competent" trump "cute?"

Alliteration can go way too far, e.g. the hairstylists' salon that goes by the name of "Klip & Kurl." Last I checked the OED, neither "Clip" nor "Curl" had a variant starting with the letter "K." So why go through all the effort to look stupid?

Full disclosure: at the Comics Curmudgeon blog, a group of stalwart posters once dubbed ourselves the Kollege of Komix Kardinals, until we came to the realization that none of the words started with "K," and further, we didn't need an organization with the initials "KKK." Hence, we are now the College of Comix Cardinals, but have retained the electric blue beanies. (Thankfully, these were not embroidered with initials.)

Which brings us to about the only situation where the alliterative "K" is appropriate: why, the Ku Klux Klan, of course. Heinous though they are, spelling "Clan" as designed just wouldn't work.

Have you seen any good ones? Why can't we just spell things as they are? Or does the fact that 60 million people took the time, interest, and text-messaging costs to vote for the "American Idol" winner simply bear out the fact that we're A Nation Of Idiots?

No Grocery Store Patron Left Behind

2006-05-22T13:25:00.000-04:00

Would it be asking too much to ask grocery stores with Self-Checkouts to implement some kind of basic proficiency testing for those patrons who would like to use self-checkout? It really isn't rocket science, but for some people (usually those immediately in front of me in line), self-checkout turns them into deer-in-the-headlights in no time. While I generally have no use for the Bush Administration, I think they should get 100% behind this, so that they can implement an onerous and short-sighted standardized self-checkout testing program (with hidden agenda of steering grocery patrons to Private or Parochial Grocery Stores), determine which establishments are Failing Grocery Stores, and make life easier for those of us who simply want to zip in and out of the local Acme (known as, and pronounced, "The Ack-A-Me") to pick up a few mangoes.

Might I also submit a minimum (particularly for those patrons using Sport-Utility Kiddie Carts and think it's never too early to give little Madison or Max a lesson in cashiering skills) and maximum age limitation for users, and a restriction on number of items? The bagging areas at the self-checkouts are about as large as postage stamps (and not even commemoratives!), and removing an item usually results in the system hanging up and flashing what I like to call the Idiot Light, requiring intervention by the harried Self-Checkout Clerk, who oversees several of these terminals, is constantly in motion resetting them, and probably slips into the break room for hits of NyQuil whenever possible.

Thank you. I await the Administration's response.

P.S. Thanks to a recent outbreak of spam comments, I have started comment verification...hope the 5 or 6 of you loyal readers aren't too inconvenienced! It WAS a tough decision...while not as witty as your comments, the spammers DID seem to really think I'm brilliant and have wonderful blog design skills...

You Wascawy Wiwetapper!

2006-05-19T08:53:00.000-04:00

I am SO relieved that Elmer Fudd moved on to a productive new career after his Warner Brothers gig tapped out.

Dope Plate Special

2006-05-18T20:37:00.000-04:00

In a previous post (February 1, 2006), I mentioned a pet peeve - people who pay good money to have something stupid, inaccurately-spelled, and/or arrogant on a vanity license plate. I saw two new contenders for Idiot Prison (in which, of course, they would make standard-issue license plates) this morning:

A black Porsche Carrera, weaving through traffic at excessive speeds, with the plate "PRASE BE." Must be Praise Be to My Automobile, as I suspect that God would not be particularly pleased with this example of conspicuous, excessive consumption, nor with the mode of driving. Must be one of those Bush Christians-In-Name-Only (motto: "Tolerance? Humility? Justice? That's For Poor People.").
When I think "Engineer," I think "intelligent." I think "precise." I think "conscientious." Perhaps even "meticulous." I do NOT think a license plate that says "NJINEER."

Talkin' At The Radio

2006-05-18T20:27:00.000-04:00

An entertaining part of our mornings here in the House Of Po is after the little Pos have left for school (at the crack of dawn), and Mrs. Po and I, fueled by 55-gallon mugs of French Roast, prepare for the day while listening to Morning Edition on NPR, and talking back at the radio. One such instance this morning was triggered by a report that President Bush's Mexican Spite Fence would cost somewhere in the vicinity of $3 million dollars per mile. Do the math - it's serious money.

Mrs.: "Maybe if they just went out and bought the materials at Lowe's, they could cut costs."

J.: "How about if they hired illegals to build the fence? You know, just wait at the train station in the morning and wait for the Mexicans to come off, looking for manual labor jobs. It's what all the Republicans do."

Mrs.: "Good thought, and he won't see the irony. Maybe you should work for the Administration."

J.: "Thanks, but I don't have my special ed certification."

Mrs.: "Which makes you a Non-Qualified Teacher, which won't fly with No Child Left Behind."

OK, so maybe it isn't Burns and Allen, but it IS early in the morning, after all.

World Keeps Spinnin'

2006-05-17T20:37:00.000-04:00

And it's making me really tired. (Not like Lily Von Shtupp in "Blazing Saddles," one of my favorite movies, but close.)

It's May. Busy month for kids, busy month for those of us in sales-related occupations trying to see people before the summer (particularly when one's employer's offerings kind of...well, suck at this particular moment in time), busy month for teachers just trying to hold their classrooms together against summer's call, etc. Add to it a lot of family birthdays/anniversaries, Mother's Day, etc., and I'm just fried. Plus I just got back from a totally-worthless 2-hour one-way trip to a business meeting that was a complete and utter waste of my time, with travel on the mind-numbing Pennsylvania Turnpike. Came home with both daughters out (one at choir, one babysitting) and Mrs.Po headed out to a meeting. Happening more and more these days. Needless to say, did not feel like cooking (which I usually enjoy, and would take up as an avocation, if not profession, immediately after winning Powerball) - so it's leftovers and the obligatory vodka (or three) this evening.

But, in the back of my mind, what really makes me feel tired, or at least tugs HARD at my consciousness, is the upcoming high school graduation of our first daughter. It doesn't seem all that long ago that she was just an infant, then a lobster-lovin' toddler, growing up in New Hampshire...fast-forward to teenagerhood here in Philly...and it's kind of exhausting just to think about what's passed and what's coming. I think a recent trip back to NH, where Mrs. Po and I spent nearly 15 years and where both girls were born, kind of refocused us on the old days...we visited the old Concord, New Hampshire haunts (which hadn't changed much!) and took a day trip to Boston while there and, with daugher L.Po's enthusiastic consent, I took a 2006 version of one of my favorite photos of her, taken when she was 4 years old, in the Public Garden, hugging the bronze statue of Mrs. Mallard (from Robert McCloskey's classic children's book, "Make Way For Ducklings."). Bringing them back up to New England really made me think about how far and how fast things have moved, and here I am, with one soon off to college and a second into high school already. What the hell happened and why did it happen so fast? Yes, I am living a quiet, normal life (extra credit to the reader who can identify the album title and artist), but why does it seem to take so much out of me?

Sigh.

OK, enough of this personal thought-spilling. Back to Bush-bashing and critical observations of popular society soon, I promise. Move on. Nothing to see here. Time for another vodka.

Did We Need ANOTHER Reason?

2006-05-15T19:43:00.000-04:00

OK, now it's personal: ANOTHER reason to hate Bush. Now, the season finale of "Grey's Anatomy" will be delayed by Dickhead's immigration speech tonight, a transparent act of public politicking concurrent with the Senate debate on his immigration plan, which includes sending whichever National Guard troops are left in the U.S. (after their third and fourth tours of duty in the Iraqi Imperial War) to man the U.S. - Mexico border. (Why couldn't he find these troops during last year's hurricanes?)

And what about the Canadian border, eh? Sounds like this really isn't a "national security" issue, is it, as much as it is pandering to your knuckle-dragging base?

If you want to keep people from crossing the border, why don't you just tap THEIR phones just like you're illegally doing to us, Mr. President? This way you'll know when and where they're coming. Maybe they just want to be here to watch Grey's Anatomy at its scheduled time, also.

What Famous Leader Am I?

2006-05-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

Who did you expect, George Bush?

Thanks to cynnie for the link! (and for visiting!)

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Does this mean that grilling beef this weekend is definitely OUT?

Miscellaneous Veggie Tales

2006-05-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

I'm dumbfounded on a couple of fronts here...

Once again, I have read something that expresses the opinion that Ronald Reagan was a great American in the same class as George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Abraham Lincoln. There's this unexplainable wave of opinion that feels that we should put The Great Miscommunicator on a piece of U.S. Currency, should create a new space on Mount Rushmore for Him, rename every city, town, and street in the country, etc. I DON'T GET IT.

What exactly did Mr. Reagan do, while trying to convince everyone that it was Morning In America, but enrich the wealthy, demonize the poor, implicitly endorse shady arms-trading and regime-supporting deals abroad, and create staggering deficits that crippled economic recovery for a generation, while reaping the right-place-at-right-time benefits of the inevitable implosion of the Communist bloc? He was an actor who became an actor playing a President, for the benefit of his wealthy backers. WHAT. THE. F**K?!

Secondly, I was shopping at the local farmers' market last week, and saw in the produce section the following: NASCAR BRAND GRAPE TOMATOES.

Questions abound.

Does the distributor of these tomatoes think that putting the NASCAR brand on this fruit (OK, so I took some poetic license in using "Veggie Tales" in the subject line) would encourage normal, thinking human beings to buy them? Or, like me, will these normal, thinking human beings run quickly in the opposite direction to buy something that does NOT have an inconsistent, incomprehensible branding tie-in? (I will also refuse to buy anything with a Nickolodeon tie-in, since it fosters youth dependency on horribly badly-animated, inane television. What exactly does Sponge Bob have to do with the quality of breakfast cereal or snack crackers? More importantly, could I purchase something more cheaply without the licensing fees?)

Or do they figure that those who don't normally buy tomatoes (since they don't eat anything that they can't deep-fry) will sweep them off the shelves before the slack-jawed confusion sets in? "Lurleen, is this a grape or a tomato?"

It's truly Evening In America...

Pizza! Pizza?

2006-04-28T13:35:00.000-04:00

From today's Philadelphia Inquirer:

A pizza deliveryman stopped by Lower Southampton Township police told officers that he was delivering pizzas in the same station wagon he used to ferry bodies for a mortuary transport service.

William Bethel Jr., 24, was stopped last Friday while driving a station wagon with an expired inspection certificate, police said. While checking the vehicle, police noticed a stretcher in the rear and asked what purpose it served.

Bethel told them that although he was delivering pizzas for a major pizza chain, he also "transports deceased bodies in the same vehicle," police said. The car was impounded, and Bethel was cited for driving with a suspended or revoked license and without a certificate of inspection, the Bucks County Courier Times reported.

Bethel said Tuesday that it was the first time he had used the wagon for both purposes, and that he didn't deliver pizzas and bodies simultaneously. He said he had been called to fill in at the restaurant, and because his car was in the shop, he had taken the wagon.

Bethel said he didn't tell the vehicle owner, Carl Delia of Bensalem, that he was going to deliver pizzas, and he didn't tell the restaurant that the wagon was also used to transport corpses. Delia, who runs the mortuary transport service, said he fired Bethel immediately, and the restaurant manager said Bethel had resigned.

County and state health officials say there is no law against delivering bodies and food in the same vehicle.

Chris Ryder, a spokesman for the state Department of Agriculture, said there would be no food safety concern as long as the pizzas and bodies are in "separate containers" - the pizza in a box and the corpse in a body bag or hermetically sealed box.

What's the punchline here?

"It's Not Delivery - It's DeCorpse-O!"

"30 Minutes - Stone Cold Or Free!"

"Who ordered the half-pepperoni, half-stiff?"

Any other suggestions? In the meantime, let's hope the pizza box and the hermetically sealed box don't get mixed up...

Shattered

2006-04-26T09:34:00.000-04:00

And now, the most recent sign that The Apocalypse Is Upon Us:

From the New York Times: Mick Jagger has signed on to star in an ABC sitcom modeled after the serial structure of "Lost" and Fox's "24" called "Let's Rob Mick Jagger."

This town's full of money grabbers, go ahead, bite the Big Apple. Don't mind the maggots!

Move Over, Sliced Bread

2006-04-26T06:50:00.000-04:00

There's a new King Of Inventions in town.

I speak, of course, of the new OXO Mango Splitter.

A mango splitter, you say? OK, so maybe I should be excited more over red convertibles or trophy wives ("but Mrs. Po IS my trophy wife," I respond) at this point in my life, but I do have a perverse fascination with really cool kitchen gadgets. So when I read of this wonderful tool in the food section of the local paper, I thought of the many hours, seeming like days, of trying to manually clean mangoes and rushed out to the local kitchen store to buy one.

It's amazing. Absolutely freaking amazing. Slide the splitter down over the mango, and you have two ready-to-be-easily-scored halves and only a little bit of trimming around the seed, should you want to maximize your mango dollar. About a minute of work and you're off to your own personal Mango Episode...and the time saved could be added on to your half-hour with Elaine Benes.

(Mr. Po received no compensation from OXO for this testimonial, but he would welcome a little of your mango, if you're willing to share. The mention of 11% off is not an offer to sell the Mango Splitter at a discount, but simply my laziness in grabbing the first photo I could find on the Web.)

OK, I'm off for a mango, and then off in the car for a day of meetings...from which I'm sure I'll be back with a wealth of new ideas. Blog ideas from driving, that is. I think my best thinking takes place in the car and in the shower.

Thinking is one of two things I can think of that can be done in the car and the shower... :)

No President Left Behind

2006-04-25T07:42:00.000-04:00

It gives me great national pride to hear President Bush comment on yesterday's terrorist (pronounced "turrist") bombing in Egypt as "a heinous (pronouncing it "hayn-ee-ous") act." Try NPR or any of the other major news sites for the sound bite.

(Implying, of course, that a unilateral, unjustified war that kills thousands of civilians, creates new generations of turrists, and spawns sectarian civil war, is NOT a heinous act.)

Perhaps if he had been subjected to years of mindless, creativity-stifling, curriculum-dominating standardized testing to identify failing schools, he would understand that the word is, and always has been, pronounced "hayn-ous." Rhymes with "anus," as in the sentence "President Bush is a horse's anus." (Note to PETA: this is merely an instructional example and not meant to denigrate animals.)

(Blog That) You Love Camden In The Springtime

2006-04-24T08:48:00.000-04:00

While blogging doesn't tend to have many traditional benefits, such as (let me put on my Rex Morgan, MD phrasing hat here) HEALTH INSURANCE or, in my case, readership, I was alerted via print media to this valuable free offer:

Blogger alert. On the third weekend in May, a notebook, a URL, and a good pitch could get you into Camden's waterfront attractions for a little viral-marketing experiment.
About 200 bloggers will be given weekend passes to the Riversharks baseball games, the "Big Guns" exhibition at the Battleship New Jersey, and the "Shark Realm" at the Adventure Aquarium. The only requirement is that they blog about their experiences.
Real bloggers - this means you need to have actually blogged before - should make their case by May 12 to aquarium p.r. guy Bill Larson, blarson@AdventureAquarium.com.

Yes, folks, an active blog and the willingness To Write For Free Entertainment can win you a free weekend of attractions in Camden, New Jersey. (No truth to the rumor that those not selected for this program win TWO free weekends of attractions.) But seriously, folks, while I've never been to the Battleship New Jersey, I hear it's an interesting tour, and the Aquarium has been recently updated and is fun as well. My personal favorite, given my baseball bent, would be the Riversharks tix -- they play in the independent Atlantic League, so you can be guaranteed that no one is on the field for any reason other than they love the game and are looking for a shot to latch on with a big-league organization. You see a lot of young players who may have been undrafted and/or cut from the minor leagues, trying to catch the eye of a major league team, as well as veterans hanging on for a summer call-up -- luminaries such as Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco were in the league in recent years. If nothing else, you can't beat the price, from tickets down to concessions and parking; there are lots of contest drawings and on-field entertainment to keep everyone's interest; and the location of the stadium is absolutely fabulous, at the base of the Ben Franklin Bridge with a view across the Delaware River of the Philly skyline:

This all being said, I don't know that I will be participating in the festivities; we have weekend guests that weekend, plus tickets to see the Red Sox vs. the Phillies, and frankly, if one can believe SiteMeter (and I have no reason not to), I would be hard-pressed to demonstrate that I'm a real blogger. But I'll be keeping an eye out for other Mid-Atlantic bloggers...

Now for something(s) completely different...

2006-04-20T08:23:00.000-04:00

Why yes, it has been a while since last post. But eventually, the Blog Cache in my brain becomes so full that it needs to spit out two completely unrelated thoughts, just to make room.

While in the car yesterday, I spotted the following bumpersticker:

I LOVE My

Cancer-Free HUSBAND

What exactly is up with that? Did the driver not love her husband when he had cancer? Or does she have multiple husbands and loves only the cancer-free one (in which case, where is she doing her marital prospecting? Sloan-Kettering?). And what's with the peculiar juxtaposition of the lower-case and upper-case (or, as my oldest daughter said back in kindergarten, "cupper-ase") letters? I don't get it.

Speaking of bumperstickers, I am reminded of one that I saw a while ago, and finally found for my wife, the elementary school teacher:

4 Out of 3 People

Have Trouble With Fractions

Now for the unrelated thought: once in a while, you hear a quote that just makes you stop what you're doing and run for a pencil and paper to record it. After the death of Rev. William Sloane Coffin last week, I heard a rebroadcast of a Terry Gross interview with Coffin, in which the following quote stopped me in my tracks -- simply because these few words so intensely and succintly say, in this era of misdirected right-wing ideologues, what it means to live a life of faith:

"The integrity of love is much more important than the purity of dogma."

Just re-listened to the whole interview - regardless of your affiliation or interpretation, it is worth taking a few minutes. Great thoughts.

City of Brother(hood)ly Ineptitude

2006-04-06T20:48:00.000-04:00

Once again, Philadelphia is in the news not for great social breakthroughts, or great events that raise civic pride, but for urinals. Yes, URINALS. Seems that the Comcast Corporation (motto: "We supply all your communication services, so we demand whatever the f**k we want"), who is erecting a large office tower in Center City (after bending our city management over a barrel and asking them to supply not only tax concessions but also a ramekin of K-Y Jelly), wanted to have this building be the tallest Green-certified building in the United States. As part of this noble goal, they wanted to install flushless urinals in all the men's rooms, which would save gajillions of gallons of water each year. Who could possibly think this is a bad idea? Well, the local Plumbers' Union, of course, who protested that these urinals would not require the same level of installation services as traditional urinals. A furor ensues! City politicians and local State government officials are pressed for their opinions on the burning urinal issue. Finally, a resolution is negotiated: Union plumbers will go ahead and install standard water lines, even though these are not required by the new urinal technology, so that they get their precious work, regardless of the environmental benefits. Sure, we'll still save all the water, but money that could have gone elsewhere (say, to reduce our cable bills. Yes, call me Pollyanna.) will now line the pockets of the local plumbers' union. Pardon me, but haven't other people been affected by advances in technology and suffered work or financial loss? Explain to the customer service person who has had his/her job outsourced to India, simply because the technology is now available to make the customer service transaction cheaper and transparent to the user, that they can't continue to get paid for a make-work project while the plumbers' union can. Don't get me wrong -- at their inception, unions served a noble purpose that ensured a safe workplace and a decent standard of living -- but incidents such as Urinalgate have exposed the ridiculous excess to which the basic concept has been taken. (Yes, I expect the Democratic National Committee will repossess my membership card presently.) And Philly wonders why it has the reputation as a provincial backwater on the Northeast Corridor?

BUT WAIT...there's more. Philly seems to be on the verge of again not being able to pass a non-smoking ordinance in restaurants, bars, etc., due to pressure from restaurant/bar owners. Most forward-thinking cities have done so, over the objections of restuarant/bar owners, out of a novel concern for the public good. (Again, I'll risk my DNC card here, but perhaps a better approach would be to incent*, via tax benefits/credits, etc., those who implement non-smoking status, or disincent* those who don't.) Studies have shown that the implementation of non-smoking ordinances have not decreased business at these establishments. But we can't do that here, of course. The plumbers need to have a place to kick back and light up after a hard day of installing useless piping.

* Yes, incent or disincent, not "incentivize." The linguistically-lazy choose to take the noun arising from the verb, add "-ize" or "-ate", and think it's correct. To wit:

"incent" becomes the noun "incentive." "To provide incentive" is NOT "incentivize."
"orient" becomes the noun "orientation". To orient is NOT "orientate."

Sorry for the rant on one of my linguistic pet peeves. I'll depart now to visit my traditional, flushing urinal.

To The Bison

2006-03-23T20:25:00.000-05:00

A brief shout-out to my alma mater, Bucknell, for a great basketball season capped by making it to the second round of the NCAA tournament. This, regrettably, was as far as anyone (including themselves) could have reasonably expected them to go. Let's face it: a small, academically-focused (what a novel concept!) university with a 100% graduation rate among team members can't get too far against basketball machines such as those who live for this time of year, rather than for final exams, GMATs, high-level internships, and job interviews. That being said, three out of Bucknell's five losses this year came against teams seeded #1 in their tournament brackets (Villanova, Duke, and Memphis), and the Bison also knocked off Syracuse along the way this season. After totally frustrating Arkansas in the first round, the Bison couldn't quite keep up with Memphis in round 2 -- as Memphis kept trotting out players who were fresher, bigger, faster, and less likely to be accepted as a member of the Algonquin Round Table.

My fellow alumnus and past broadcasting partner, who will go only by the name of R.J. for here, modestly proposed a handicapping system to restore some sanity to the post-season. This is a work in progress, but a few of the items we discussed were to adjust a team's point total by a number of factors:

Difference in graduation rates
Degree-of-difficulty in academic courses taken by players
Number of arrests
Extra discredit to the team whose coach was hired "to resurrect the basketball program," having done so and flamed out somewhere else previously.

The possibilities are endless. What a wonderful world it would be, were we to remember that these are institutions of higher learning playing these games.

An excellent book, along these lines, is "The Last Amateurs," by John Feinstein, chronicling a year in the life of Patriot League basketball. I heartily recommend it.

Anyway, congrats to coach Pat Flannery and the Bison - you've made us proud. And in the meantime, we can root for Villanova (coach Jay Wright is another Bucknell grad), Duke (another school with actual thinking students who can play basketball as well), or the handful of other teams that, ESPN-be-damned, shouldn't still be alive in the tournament: George Mason, Bradley, Wichita State, etc.

This will all culminate in the Greatest Day of the Year: Monday, April 3, which is baseball's Opening Day (I will be in the center field grandstand for Phillies-Cardinals in the afternoon) and, in the evening, the NCAA men's championship game. What could be better? (OK, maybe a free All-You-Can-Be-Eaten Fellatio Buffet in between. But let's be realistic.)

You're Looking the WRONG Way!

2006-03-22T11:07:00.000-05:00

Busy, busy, busy, between a weekend of the 8th/9th grade musical (forget what it's like for a pimp: It's Hard Out Here For Us Drama Moms also), the NCAA Tournament, and a little bit of productive work. But this lovely coincidental juxtaposition of headline and photo bears sharing:

"That's right, if you hold your hand this way, and furrow your brow, and squint, and look resolute, you can't see the bloodshed. You also can't see the unilateral aggression based on fabricated intelligence, you can't see the complete lack of planning, you can't see how we've alienated allies and created a recruiting bonanza for the 'terrists', as if they needed another reason to hate us beyond our arrogance. Oh, you also can't see torture. Nope, no torture. Can't hear the illegal wiretaps, either. But you can see this: I've pretty much handed this off to the next President to deal with."

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2006-03-09T21:57:00.000-05:00

It's not Christmas, or back-to-school...it's the combination of March Madness and spring training baseball that gets a young (or 40-plus-ish) man's juices flowing this time of year. While my afternoon business appointment was regrettably cancelled, this gave me the time to catch the end of both the Syracuse-UConn game (big upset! I've never been a big 'Cuse fan, but like Gerry MacNamara) and Temple-George Washington game (another upset -- this time for a Philly team -- coached by a fellow patron of the Flourtown Farmer's Market, yet!). And tomorrow - Bucknell-Holy Cross at 4:30 on ESPN2...let's root on the Bison, some of the Last Amateurs (snaps to author John Feinstein). And baseball rolls ever nearer...getting ready for the Red Sox to visit our fair city for a pair of exhibition games the first weekend in April, and Opening Day on the 3rd (and first Tony Luke's roast pork sandwich of the year). It's just all too much...

Like a Meme Virgin

2006-03-09T17:10:00.000-05:00

As a very casual and lackadaisical citizen of the Blogosphere, it has taken me a while to react to the comment from yellojkt that I had been "tagged." Now that I've finally figured out what it means, at least in this context -- as opposed to the baseball or casual-sex contexts ("whoa, you tagged so-and-so last Friday?") -- I'm honored to participate:

1: Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?

I'm kind of a sucker for black and white, depending on the story. Obviously, something with a great deal of scale and/or scenery is better in color. But I think that black and white can really focus you on the acting and dialogue, taking the possible distraction of color out of the equation. "Good Night, And Good Luck" is a great example. I know that another reason for black and white in that film had to be that it was a period piece and most people saw Edward R. Murrow only in B/W. But it really was grabbing to see the movie that way. (Aside: I also felt like I was in a smoke-filled room the entire time I was watching it, and felt like lighting up myself --even though I don't smoke -- after leaving the fabulous Ambler Theater.) Nothing wrong with color, except for the heinous process called "colorization," clearly a Tool Of Satan.

2: What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?

So-called reality television. Nothing makes me find a way to change the conversation or feign intestinal distress (hmm, maybe it's real?) that to hear someone launch into a discussion of the latest Survivor episode, or who should win American Idol. The latter should be renamed Americans Idle. What a f***ing waste of focus, energy, time, and cell phone minutes.

3: MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music?

CDs, as a compromise. There was nothing quite like hearing the crackle of the needle hitting the vinyl and the hissing in anticipation of a bad 70s song about to be cranked out on the speakers of a dinosaur stereo with speakers the size of a Mini Cooper. MP3s are pretty damned convenient, but there's just no emotional attachment to the music. CDs are a good compromise; good quality plus some content in the form of liner notes, etc. I'm too tactile to go totally MP3.

4: You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ... ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?

Not a chance. That would be like throwing away my life, my family, my friends, everything. Couldn't possibly be worth it. And the idea of starting over, regardless of how much money I would have, is scary. Can I negotiate for maybe four tickets and $1 million, and waive the non-disclosure?

5: Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?

Just one? Come on, give me a couple: Intolerance. Gross inequities in wealth among countries and peoples. Self-centeredness. Misguided priorities. (Hmm, you could just lump them together under the heading "Bush Administration," couldn't you?)

6: How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?

By getting people to realize that poverty and injustice -- and not gay marriage -- are the true moral issues. I am not a Bible-quoter by trade, but what does God ask of us but to love justice, kindness, and humility?

7: You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be?

Realizing at age 18 that the next four years in college were NOT about preparing myself to find a job for the rest of my life starting immediately after graduation. Has my career been financially lucrative? Yes. Fulfilling? No. Am I in a position to change that? Well, perhaps in the first few years in the real world, yes, but not now, with a mortgage and two teenage daughters. I would have taken life much more slowly and without some kind of self-imposed deadline. There isn't much reason to think that everything has to be decided by age 21. I'm now kind of a Micah 6:8 guy in a corporate, life-insurance-marketing guy suit, hoping that I can eventually get to the point where I can do good for a living rather than in my spare time. In the interim, my job (notice I don't say "career" as if it's a life-driving force) serves to provide for what my family needs and what I can give to the greater community.

8: You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be?

I could be serious here -- Kennedy or MLK assassinations, for example -- but I'm going to be selfish. 1986 World Series, Game 6. Bob Stanley doesn't come in from the bullpen, Sox win, Bill Buckner's respectable baseball career is noted in its entirety rather than in a misplayed ground ball. I was there. It was very, very painful. Such is life as a citizen of Red Sox Nation.

9: A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry --Which do you choose?

Opera, but more so because I'm discouraged and disgusted by the rise in country-"music"-listening, NASCAR-watching, cheap-beer-swilling idiots in this country. Besides, there's usually at least one or two zaftig, busty women in every opera. Rowrrr.

10: What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?

The 2000 Presidential election.

11: One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal?

Got to be Philip Roth, a fellow Bucknellian with whom I have little in common save for a north-Jersey upbringing. I love his writing. I think we would call out for some good deli. (Aside: I was at a silent auction recently where each attendee picked out a name of an artist/musician/author/etc. to do his/her bidding. I picked Roth and was accused by another attendee of being a fan of masturbation. I pled the Fifth.)

12: You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky -- what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?

I am a serious. but liberal and non-literal, Christian. What I do is not motivated by the potential for an exit-row aisle seat on the plane to Heaven, but what I feel is right in that it helps the least of us. (Similarly, I've done some immoral things, and haven't let the fear of Hell deter me...as a matter of fact, I think I have a club box in the Eighth Circle.)

My first "tagging" completed! Can I have a cigarette now? How'd I do, yello?

A quick reality check

2006-03-03T09:37:00.000-05:00

Even the sports pages (well, frankly, OFTEN the sports pages) contain things that make you scratch your head and/or pause in wonderment from time to time. Ignoring, for now, the larger issue of the ridiculous overemphasis placed on professional sports in our society -- pardon me, the running back who plays despite a painful 'turf toe' is not a "brave warrior," the single mother living in North Philadelphia struggling with two jobs and trying to create a better life for her family is -- there's the curious trend toward overspecialization and overanalysis, particularly in football. Let's face it, it's still nothing more than being faster and hitting harder, when you strip away the hype and the supposed intricacies of the West Coast Offense.

So anyway, this item from the Transactions section caught my eye the other morning:

FORDHAM-Named Ed Argast offensive coordinator-offensive line coach, Frank Forcucci defensive coordinator-outside linebackers coach, Bryan Volk recruiting coordinator-quarterbacks coach, Matt Dawson special teams coordinator-inside linebackers coach, Malik Hall defensive line coach, Custavious Patterson wide receivers coach, Kieta Malloy running backs coach, Charlie Pravata tight ends coach and Tim Cary assistant defensive backs coach.

OK, let's think about this for a moment.

Fordham is a good school with a rich athletic tradition, where I suspect sports are not a major source of income and are kept in appropriate priority relative to, say, things like academics. Unless they're making a big push to create a sequel to The Seven Blocks of Granite days, do they (or anyone -- I'm just using this announcement as an example) really need all these football coaches? How about a couple more professors?

And unless you're a football machine like Nebraska (a business associate from Lincoln once told me that you see the players walking down the main street with the sweaters with the big "N" on the front, which stands for "Nowledge"), how many tight ends do you have on a roster? Maybe a Nebraska would have five or six, and it could very well be a full-time job to keep track of who is academically ineligible or arrested for domestic assault from week to week. But would a Fordham have more than two, or maybe even three? Why do they need a tight end coach?

No offense intended, Charlie Pravata. I like small-college football played by academic institutions, and my alma mater went a robust 1-10 this past year against the likes of behemoths such as Stony Brook and, as luck would have it, Fordham. (Though we do sport a graduation rate among the highest in Division I.) But why exactly do we need so many coaches?

Note: any rants about excessive coaching do not apply to baseball, a game given to us directly by God, though (S)He expressly directed that it be played in the daytime and on grass in uncovered stadia. (I believe this was from Deuteronomy.)

Snake. Oil.

2006-02-21T19:32:00.000-05:00

Is it just me who feels a sense of profound irony that President Bush is flying all over the country, at great expense in dollars and fuel, for scripted, invitation-only photo ops touting his administration's new energy policy? And wouldn't the most dyed-in-the-wool Red Stater be even a wee bit skeptical of this new philosophical turn away from the current policy of "Drill Everywhere, I Have Campaign Contributors to Repay?" What the hell, none of these things will happen before the end of his term, so he can say pretty much whatever he wants. Probably hopeful to implement Jetsons-style ships that run on greenhouse gases (how convenient!) by, oh, say, 2045...

And even funnier how this talk of alternative sources and conservation runs totally counter to the stated opinions of Dick "Be Vewy Quiet, I'm Hunting Quail" Cheney who made this statement on conservation and self-control a few months back?

Pigalicious

2006-02-17T15:22:00.000-05:00

I may be vilified here for dissing a revered Philadelphia icon -- no, not the Liberty Bell, Ben Franklin, the Mummers, or the dudes who threw snowballs at Santa during an Eagles game -- but it's a statement that has to be made. I refer, of course, to the venerable Tastykake.

As if we weren't already fat enough, the news item below ought to make us snort and squeal with fat-and-sugar-fueled glee:

(from the Philadelphia Inquirer, 2/16/06)

Tasty Baking Co. is introducing beefed up versions of its famed cakes, complete with more icing and more calories.

Vincent Melchiorre, the company's chief marketing officer, said the new products are in response to Tastykake fans saying in focus groups "'we want more.'"

The fatter versions of Butterscotch Krimpets will have twice as much icing and 90 more calories; Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes will have twice as much peanut butter and 70 more calories. The new products are the first in line called Doublicious.

No truth to the rumor that the ad campaign will feature the tag line You want more? Well, you'll now need a bigger SUV to take you to the Wawa, you fat, lazy bastards!

Bet You Won't See This at UNLV

2006-02-16T21:07:00.000-05:00

Another reason to like college athletics where it's a diversion rather than a revenue source: the sign at the Penn-Princeton game the other night, hoisted by a Penn fan, saying "Dick Cheney Shoots Better Than Princeton."

A Garden State of Mind

2006-02-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

News this week is that the Supreme Court of the State of New Jersey is considering whether they, or the New Jersey Legislature, should consider whether same-sex marriages should be recognized as legal in The Garden State. For the record, those of you who are regular visitors to this blog (oh, all two or three of you) can probably figure out my position, which is that couples in long-term committed relationships, whether single-sex or opposite-sex, should at the very least enjoy the same tax and legal benefits. While particular religious denominations might not recognize same-sex couples as being married in God's (or Pat Robertson's) eyes, the legal protections of marriage should be available to any two people who step up to the plate and make the commitment. Frankly, it's not as if heterosexuals are doing such a great job upholding the institution, if you look at the divorce rate. And why shouldn't same-sex couples enjoy the same lives of quiet desperation as we do? I'm sure that the old joke about "why does a bride smile at her wedding" holds equal sway on the same-sex side of the aisle.

But I digress. The purpose of this post is NOT to condone or blaspheme same-sex marriage, it is to respond to a news story I heard the other day (on NPR, naturally), which listed some of the "friend of the court" filings made in conjunction with this case...including social service organizations, both pro- and anti-gay groups, various denominations, etc. But one struck me -- and why bother looking further when it's much easier to just react -- I found it kind of odd that one of the filers of Friend of the Court briefs was Monmouth Rubber and Plastic Products, Inc.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Liberry News

2006-02-14T12:37:00.000-05:00

This clearly comes under the category of One Couldn't Make This Sh!t Up If One Tried: the deal, announced yesterday, whereby NASCAR and Harlequin Publishing are teaming up to producer NASCAR-themed romance novels. The deal is described in the press as a marriage between opposites -- I would respectfully disagree. I think they are equals in many respects. As the analogy might be presented on the answer key to the SAT (which guarantees that NASCAR fans will get neither the joke nor the reference):

Harlequin ::Fine Literature
NASCAR :: Athletic Competition

The commentators on NPR, on which I heard this story this morning, and who must have been mightily suppressing guffaws of laughter, noted that 40% of NASCAR fans are women (WHY??) and supposedly like to read (though the statistics might be skewed by the large number of subscriptions to Better Trailers and Gardens).

I can see it now: "Throw away that Jane Austen crap, Lurleen, I jus' got my copy of 'Pitstop Passion'!"

The downward spiral of intelligence in America (starting at the top!) continues! Turn left, turn left, turn left...

A Hazy Date of Winter

2006-02-13T16:27:00.000-05:00

After nearly two months of balmy temperatures, we in greater Philadelphia (local pronounciation: "Fluffya") have just enjoyed a light dusting of snow - about 16 inches worth in my little corner of paradise. A little late for our first signficant snow of the winter, mind you. But, truth be told, if it had to snow, the timing couldn't be better: started late afternoon/early evening on Saturday, so that the view out the window while dining at the fabulous Alison at Blue Bell was lovely, the drive back home wasn't too bad, and we were snug in our beds when the worst of the storm hit. Knowing we weren't going anyplace Sunday morning, as church services were canceled, we took to clearing driveways and sidewalks, then enjoyed the Sunday paper and a couple of adult beverages by the fire. And let me say this: yesterday, I loved nothing more than my snowblower. Best money I've ever spent. Makes my life MUCH easier, doesn't ask much in return, and it blows on command. (rim shot!)

A couple of stored-up observations from last week:

I have a funny rule of thumb about restaurants: If a restaurant incorporates the name of the highway on which it sits into its name, this is not a good indicator of a fine dining experience. I've seen enough of the places you would expect to be mediocre (e.g. Alberto's 202 Cucina), but one I saw last week just sounded bad on so many levels. Sited on Route 17 in northern New Jersey, awash in strip malls, gas stations, etc. sits Pier 17 Restaurant. Yes, driving for my live amid Hess stations, Dollar Stores, and TJ Maxxish establishments makes me think of nothing but "wow, I'll be the seafood is GREAT around here."
It's rare that something incorporates, nay, embraces three of my favorite rant sources: American arrogance, frivolous use of resources, and stupidity. But the International Star Registry gets the hat trick. First off, where do we come off saying that we have the right and the ability to not only name something in the natural world, but sell the rights to this contrived product? Second, I simply can't imagine pulling out a credit card to purchase this dubious honor (I'd like to research my hypothesis that those most likely to "purchase" a star are also most likely to incur credit card debt and least likely to make minimum monthly payments) so long as there's ANY person in need, ANYWHERE on Earth. Third, I might also guess that unless someone lives at Mt. Palomar Observatory, it would be a little challenging to see one's star as opposed to someone else's ("No, not THAT one. That's 'Stella Johnson'."). And finally, a word of warning: hearing the current ad on the radio, which touts giving a star for Valentine's Day, may cause projectile vomiting. "Wish on OUR star." "I love you!" Jesus, don't let these people procreate...

Too Bad He Wasn't Hunting DAN Quayle

2006-02-13T16:20:00.000-05:00

Take a look at this charming mug and tell me that his shooting someone is an Accident.

Poor bastard that the Dickster was hunting with probably just told him that he was scaling back his donation to the Texas Republican Party, or trading in his Hummer for a Prius, or something.

Remember, kids: Guns Don't Shoot People. Vice Presidents Shoot People.

Friday fun

2006-02-03T11:33:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of my fellow Comix Cardinal and blogger idol yellojkt, some fun and mindless amusement perfect for a Friday morning:

Ten Top Trivia Tips about J.Po!

J.Po will give a higher yield if milked when listening to music.
The air around J.Po is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun.
If you don't get out of bed on the same side you got in, you will have J.Po for the rest of the day.
J.Poocracy is government by J.Po.
If you lick J.Po ten times, you will consume one calorie.
The risk of being struck by J.Po is one occurence every 9,300 years.
Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in J.Po.
The Australian billygoat plum contains a hundred times more Vitamin C than J.Po.
The only planet that rotates on its side is J.Po.
If the annual Australian J.Po crop was laid end to end, it would stretch around the world seven times!

OK, so my html skills aren't so hot. But what does it matter? Two-thirds of the world's God-damned eggplant is grown in me!!

Let me also state, for the record, my skepticism as to the validity of item #5.

If the link doesn't work in the "I am interested in..." piece, go straight to the source: thesurrealist.co.uk . Enjoy!

I Have A Dream

2006-02-01T13:28:00.000-05:00

Why, yes, it has been too long since I've posted, while letting random thoughts accumulate in the junk drawer of my mind. What with the start of a new year (i.e. time to start getting serious about work again), the latest installment in the Bathroom Renovation Project From Hell, and a long business trip to Arizona (where, in true corporate-think fashion, they send us to a warm-weather site in January whereupon we spend several days in a windowless room), it's been hard to keep on schedule. But the junk drawer is now open, and out spills the contents:

I had a perverse wish last night that the Kommandant-In-Chief would start the State of the Union address something like this:

Let us pause this evening, before I begin my address, to take a moment in memory of Coretta Scott King, who passed away last evening. Mrs. King, after the tragic assassination of her husband, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., carried the torch of civil rights and equality forward with class, dignity, commitment, and eloquence. (Brief pause with required resolute look on face.) And now, I would like to formally introduce and recognize the newest justice of the United States Supreme Court, the Honorable Samuel Alito, who spent many of the same years as a member of an organization that fought the admission to Princeton University of anyone of the same sex and race as Mrs. King.

This would be followed, of course, by a cross-country PR tour, at our expense, to tell us all that sexual and racial discrimination are just fine and dandy. Because of 9/11, you know.

And now for something completely different. (Well, maybe not entirely.)

This would have been a much more timely observation had it been recorded when it happened, but we're not hearing much about Ariel Sharon any more, are we? For a week or so, we were privy to every medical update, every new motion of a finger, etc...with the same frequency and weight of the news reports years back that Generalissimo Francisco Franco was still alive (though I prefer the SNL-parodied version that Franco Is Still Dead, delivered for the Hard of Hearing). Then came the news that while Sharon might regain some function, it would be a while before it could be determined whether he would regain "the ability to think and reason." Query: were President Bush to suffer the same fate as Sharon, how would we know when and if he could think or reason?
And this news item: "Fines for safety violations in mines have been drastically reduced during the (fill in blank) Administration." Clue: It's after the year 2000.
Admit it: when you listen to the intro for the BBC World News on NPR, you think the same thing as I do when you hear, "this is the BBC World News -- I'm Judy Swallow." (No truth to the rumor that she shares the anchor desk with Nigel Spit.)
Why do people spend good money for vanity license plates that tell the world what kind of car they're driving? Yes, asshole, I can tell it's a BMW, which indicates to me that your financial priorities are already out of whack -- do you need to reinforce it with a plate that says "MYBMW?" My favorite (?) of all time, way back from the days when I lived in Concord, New Hampshire, was a car I saw from time to time, a truly-forgettable Pontiac Phoenix (think of the Chevy Citation without the cachet), with the plate "77PHNX." Why not put the money into the vehicle, for God's sake? A BMW is Excess. A 1977 Pontiac Phoenix is just embarrassing.

You heard it here first!

2006-01-09T08:39:00.000-05:00

From today's comics...a graphic interpretation of my Nascar Road Atlas reference in previous post:

You're welcome!

Created In Pat's Own Image

2006-01-06T12:20:00.000-05:00

NEWS ITEM (1/6/06): Television evangelist Pat Robertson suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza, which Robertson opposed.

Do you suppose that the only reason that God doesn't smite Robertson now (or, remarkably, hasn't done so yet) is because (S)He simply continues to be astounded by each ridiculous statement by this self-rightous asshole, supposedly channeling the will of the Almighty, and wants to see what happens next? Sort of like auto-racing fans who continue to watch races (a truly fascinating waste of time and energy) to see the next and more horrific crash?

And speaking of auto racing, I saw a "Nascar Road Atlas" at Lowe's the other day. What do you suppose it says on every page for directions? Turn Left. Turn Left Again. Turn Left Again. Damn It, Bubba Joe, not Right, Left!

3, 2, 1, continued

2006-01-05T09:15:00.000-05:00

I apologize in advance for the tastelessness of the following, but I was just wondering: with the recent serious medical news about Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who will take his place as host of "Rosh Hashanah Rockin' Eve?"

3, 2, 1...

2006-01-02T12:06:00.000-05:00

New Year! New You?

Told you so. Now get on with life...

The new photo at right (badly cropped in Photoshop) was taken on December 26, at John's Pizzeria on 44th Street, NYC...an excellent suggestion from Carol at http://www.drinkatwork.com ... for a dinner prior to seeing "Spamalot," part of our family Christmas present. Let the record state that I carried that massive martini (Grey Goose, dry, with twist) up a flight of stairs without spilling (and celebrated this achivement by having another one with dinner). Alas, the holidays are pretty much over, though I am enjoying the Federal holiday while the girls are back at school. The calendar was not kind this year. Of course, being in a sales-related position for a living, the calendar is never kind on January 1, when the odometer resets to $0.00 ... may be time to pull out the Grey Goose to gird myself for this year's struggles...

One, part two

2005-12-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

And while we're on the topic of assholes, indulge me my annual New Year's rant: Let's face it, folks. A calendar year is merely a device to help us measure time. (My actuarial slip is showing.) When the calendar changes from December 31 to January 1, it's not as if you have a whole new lease on life -- unless your calendar-year term in prison ends then, I suppose -- nor is the changing of the date a cause for great celebration. I've always felt New Year's Eve was The Most Ridiculous Excuse For A Holiday Ever, drawing amateur drunks everywhere out of the woodwork. (Perhaps I would feel differently if I had ever had sex at midnight with a stranger just-met at a NYE party, but I digress.) Party if you want to, but when you wake up, the fact that the calendar says 2006 doesn't mean it's a whole new wealth of opportunities, or that you'll be smarter/thinner/richer/less co-dependent/whatever. To sum it up: if you go to bed on December 31 an asshole, you WILL wake up on January 1 an asshole. No way around it.

Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Solstice are upon us, and I don't feel the need to add to the millions of voices commenting, save to say (previous paragraph notwithstanding) that I wish for peace, love, and understanding, and God's blessings on everyone. No exceptions.

T. O(ne).

2005-12-23T08:24:00.000-05:00

Philadelphia is, if you don't know, a big football town, one of its many faults. (Clearly, any city that has its sports priorities in perspective will worship baseball first. See: St. Louis, Boston.) Last year, when they were in the Super Bowl and nearly everyone was on the bandwagon, there was a slogan on all kinds of merchandise: "One," shown over a graphic of the city skyline with the Eagles logo, with the words "One Team. One City. One Dream." Last evening, coming out of a hockey game, I saw a vendor with a variation on the shirt, with an image of Terrell Owens superimposed over the city skyline, and the words "One Team. One City. One Asshole." I believe that I was still laughing a half-hour later...

I was considering buying one, save for the fact that T.O. would probably seek me out next year and ask for more money for the privilege of wearing his image.

Dealing with the Holidays

2005-12-11T21:48:00.000-05:00

I once again have to thank Ces, for this time unknowingly publishing a spot-on profile of me:

The Five Steps to a Happy and Mentally Healthy Holiday Family Reunion

1. Poor yourself a nice, tall glass of vodka.

2. Come on now, you can find a taller glass than that.

3. Aww, hell. Just insert a crazy straw in a Ketel One bottle.

4. Find yourself a cozy corner of the sofa, next to sleeping elderly relatives.

5. Spend rest of evening cradling bottle and repeatedly muttering to it in a drunken slur, "Next time it’s just gonna be you and me, baby. I promise."

Who said anything about needing a family reunion?

Pants on Fire!

2005-12-05T12:28:00.000-05:00

As a parent, I can imagine fewer things that give me greater satisfaction than knowing that my 17-year-old daughter apparently does not have the prerequisites to becoming a member of the Bush administration (or its future, eminently-indictable spawn), as evidenced by her complete inability to come up with a remotely-plausible lie to cover the fact that she wanted to stay out a little later with her friends on Friday evening.

The call comes in at 10:45: "We left the mall and decided to go to the movies, and saw "Pride and Prejudice", which just got out, so I'll be home in a half-hour."

Now, for many, this would sound logical, except:

1. My daughter thinks reruns of "Dukes of Hazzard" are high drama.
2. I believe her career aspiration is to be a Redneck Woman. (Yes, I'm hoping that she'll grow out of this, also.)
3. In about ten seconds, using analog means (namely, the Friday newspaper), it was easily determined that "Pride and Prejudice" was not playing anywhere in the county at a time where it would have ended remotely near 10:45.

The Parenting Moral here, of course, is that "it's better to ask us if you can stay out later, though the possibility exists that we might say no, than to try and get around it with an embarrassingly lame lie."

And now for something completely different:

News Item: Bulgaria and Ukraine to Withdraw Troops from Iraq." This will certainly make the job easier for Bush's travel planning team, as the list of countries that (a) support us militarily and/or (b) won't erupt in violent demonstration upon arrival now appears to include...well, Mongolia, and...well, guess that's about it. He'll Always Have Mongolia.
A home news flash: I admitted last evening that there is an issue on which I agree with conservatives...the Christmas Tree. Apparently a posse of knuckle-draggers is seeking out businesses, communities, etc. that have gone out of their way to remove the word "Christmas" from the season. I would argue that this is wrong because there are indeed many who celebrate other holidays or no religious-based holiday. (I'll ignore those who feel that Christmas is a secular Festival of Consumerism, laden with glowing embers, forced gaiety, and the desire for a new Lexus in the three-car garage...as they simply Don't Get It.) However, I will agree with the Cons on this issue: there is no such thing as a "Holiday Tree." It's a Christmas Tree. Granted, the link between a cut evergreen in the living room and the birth of Jesus Christ is tenuous, but if you accept the premise that the tree-and-Santa shtick is an outgrowth of the Christian holiday, the evergreen is not a Holiday Tree. It's a symbol of the popularly-celebrated Christmas. What's next, the Holiday Menorah in the town square? Come on, people, there's political correctness and then there's just stupidity.
And finally, while stopping by the Cheltenham Township Police Department to pick up a copy of an accident report (reference 17-year-old above), I looked inside the dispatch area and saw several TV screens: two showing views from security cameras and one showing "Regis and Kelly." Watch out, Reege: Cheltenham's finest are on to you.

Seen AND Heard on the Street

2005-11-23T14:18:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed? People walking the streets of our cities and towns, talking to no one in particular and gesturing in a way that makes the rest of us cut them a wide berth. Is it yet another person juiced up on Thorazine? No - it's another person on Bluetooth. Frankly, while I spend a great deal on my time on my mobile phone for business, often walking between locations in cities, I somehow don't quite see how a four-foot length of cord that connects my phone to my earpiece is a real inconvenience...particularly considering that I've saved that many more radio waves from coursing through my brain.

Mongolia?

2005-11-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

So we learn today that President Bush concluded his Asian tour with a visit to Mongolia, a place he probably thought existed only in fiction (assuming he had heard about it at all before this). Why Mongolia, do you suppose? Could it possibly be that, after an exhaustive search by his crack advance team, it was found that Mongolia would be so grateful for a visit from ANY head of state that they would promise not to ask embarrassing questions about Iraq? What kind of intelligent question do you suppose Bush asked upon landing in Mongolia? I mean, after Idiot had the grand moment of enlightenment about the size of Brazil that many of the rest of us have in fourth grade, I'm sure Mongolia left him totally dumbfounded. Not that this is a challenge.

From the DuhNews Desk

2005-11-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

A few snippets of non-news from over the past few days...

Lacking any valid, insightful response to critics of the rationale behind and execution of the Iraq "war" (is it correct to call this a "war" if it's simply a testosterone-and-stupidity-fueled unilateral action?), President Bush resorts to the tired old personal attacks and preying on terrorist fear. He must be slipping, though...I didn't see any references to "9/11" in the first couple of paragraphs of his speech.
Rapper Fifty Cent is surprised and saddened at the shooting death that occurred following a showing of his new film. Guess he simply doesn't grasp what might follow from the emphasis on violence in his music, and the promotional billboards showing him carrying a gun.
You certainly didn't hear this on Fox News (thanks to Ces for the "Medium Large" comic that suggests FOX is an acronym for "F***ing Old Xenophobes"), but eyewitnesses to the arrival of our Fearless Misleader of the Free World at the Americas Summit last week report that one of his first comments was "wow, Brazil is big!" Travel tips for this week's trip to Asia: China is big, too. As is Russia. And don't call the latter "The U.S.S.R.," OK?

Any volunteers?

2005-11-10T12:37:00.000-05:00

Forwarded from a friend of mine this morning via e-mail:

Anyone, save for Harriet Miers, up for THIS daunting task?

By the way, the Church Sign Generator is tons o' fun...though they did take down the sample of a Catholic church sign, probably because too many people customized it to say "Altar Boys Needed: Apply In Rear" and e-mailed it to all of their friends. Not me. No sir.

Shout-out to Drink At Work, from whence I learned of the Generator...

My apologies...

2005-11-04T21:03:00.000-05:00

...but the pesky need to make a living has taken me from being able to post for the last few weeks. Until I can find a way to access eBlogger through my BlackBerry, posts may be sporadic, but I'll give it my best shot. A few quick hits:

Was anyone nearly as incredulous or incensed as I was to read that our nation's de facto President and Bush puppeteer, the appropriately-named Dick Cheney, Embodiment of Evil, actually has asked Senate leaders to relax the prohibition on torture, so that we may more effectively deal with suspected and potential terrorists, whose right to due process has already gone out the window? Let me put this in all caps, Dick, so that it might be clearer to you: DID YOU EVER THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT THE LACK OF SIMPLE HUMAN DECENCY THAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT TORTURING ANYONE IS REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE, COMBINED WITH THE OVERWHELMING F*ING ARROGANCE OF THE "GOD BLESS AMERICA," AMERICA-FIRST ASSHOLES WHO RUN THIS COUNTRY, IS WHAT MAKES THE REST OF THE WORLD HATE US IN THE FIRST PLACE??
A refreshing counterpoint provided this morning on NPR, naturally (what, you expected it on Hannity and Colmes?), by Jimmy Carter, not a great President but a fine human being.
More on Stupid Ribbons: "Support our Injured Troops" (like the ones still over there are on their own??) and the heart-wrenching social cause "I Want My Hockey Fix." STOP. THE. MADNESS. NOW.
Another on-the-road observation: do you suppose the people who have their tragedies recorded for the GM OnStar commercials have flashbacks and/or post-traumatic stress when they hear themselves while driving in their cars afterwards?
Hard to believe I went through an entire World Series without posting. Save for the fact that I hate Fox's sports coverage ("Prison Break!" Mondays on FOX) more than their "news" programming ("House", Tuesdays on FOX!), it really was a great series...well-played games, well-managed, close games, lots of the little stuff that makes baseball aficionados drool, such as the beautifully-manufactured run by the Sox in the eighth inning of...memory fails me...maybe Game 4? (sorry, was probably distracted by the "Simpsons Treehouse of Terror" promo and the fact that the games end way past my bedtime.) I had to root for the White Sox since (1) they are, although the wrong color, still Sox; (2) Chicago is a great town; (3) Nearly everything about Texas is horrid; (4) the bratwurst with kraut and onions at US Cellular Field is a great sandwich. Now if we could only get some day games, and less self-promotion by the network broadcasting them, life would be truly grand. Alas, the sports section now takes about 30 seconds to read, and will be so until pitchers and catchers report in the Spring.
Speaking of the Sox, do you suppose that after Ozzie Guillen cuts his lawn, or takes out the trash, or completes a sexual act with his spouse, he leaps up and gives a shout-out to Venezuela? We get the point, Ozzie.
And alas, Harriet Miers has come and gone. We hardly knew ye! Let's ignore for a moment the cronyism, the lack of experience, the disastrous Senate questionnaire, etc. From my perspective, the single most damning thing about Ms. Miers was this tidbit, a quote from former Bush butt-boy David Frum, that Ms. Miers "thinks that George W. Bush is the most brilliant man she has ever met." Pardon me, but this should not qualify one for a spot on the nation's highest court, but perhaps a Do Not Pass Go/Do Not Collect $200 trip directly for a free Complete Neurological Workup.
And the total highlight of the last four weeks: in dance class, instructor Flaco telling me at one point "don't change a God-damned thing" and, at last week's class, telling everyone that many of us needed to take the last class to polish what we had learned, but that I "have a smoothness and a certain flair." Not bad for a 48-year-old white guy. Graduation and class trip Sunday night! What's next? Bop II? Salsa? Stay tuned...

More From the Road

2005-10-11T16:20:00.000-04:00

Amazing how the thoughts can flow while behind the wheel. Been traveling a bit more recently, today on minimal sleep after overnight paving on the major Philadelphia border street in front of my house. Outside of obscene amounts of special-shift overtime for the participants, is there anything good that comes from this process, in which slumbering homeowners literally feel the earth shake while serenaded by a cacophony of heavy equipment?

Outside of waking next to my spouse and finally having the opportunity to say "I felt the earth move last night." Not a common occurrence for those of us who have been married twenty-odd years, who snicker when we drive by movie theatres whose signs announce "Corpse Bride" among their features. Er...yes, a friend told me this, really. I would never say such a thing.

Another thought: What is it with all these f*ing magnetic ribbons on cars? I traveled for awhile behind one today with SEVEN of them on its tailgate. Dedicate yourself to one or two causes and act like they mean something to you, OK? And how about a little truth? Don't give me this "Support the Troops" (should be "I Need More Cheap Oil") and "God Bless the USA" (as thoughtful people of faith know, "God Blesses Everyone -- No Exceptions.") crap. I would like to design a ribbon magnet saying "Stop The F*ing Ribbon Madness."

Clarification on supporting the troops: Bushies can't see beyond their Karl Rove Mind-Bending Goggles far enough to understand this, but it IS indeed possible to support our troops while disagreeing with the contrived reason why they are there. It is sad and horribly disingenuous to see a "Support Our Troops" ribbon on a 12-mpg behemoth taking up a lane-and-a-half on the highway. Coincidentally, I was at a lecture today with the Rev. Jim Wallis, from Sojourners magazine, and author of "God's Politics: Why The Right Gets It Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It." During the Q&A that followed, a reservist just home from a year in Iraq made a similar comment -- how can those who support the troops but believe the reason is wrong (as he did) voice this sentiment without being demonized by the so-called Right? Can't dissent or speak one's mind at the risk of being called unpatriotic...sad that when supporting a morally unjustifiable position, the Roves, Limbaughs, O'Reillys et al can answer dissent only by attacking the dissenter...

Observations from the road

2005-10-06T09:26:00.000-04:00

Just a couple of quickies from way too much time spent in the car yesterday:

WTF is going on with the proliferation of gas station convenience stores with names ending in "Farms?" We see Cumberland Farms, Country Farms, Kwik Farms (obviously, there isn't much time for edjacashun after the chores are done)...are we supposed to have a good, down-home feel for these places, like the potato chips and cheez doodles are somehow wholesome, fresh, and natural? I suppose "Kwik Krappy Snak Shak" just doesn't play as well.
Not far from home, I saw a cane lying in the middle of a 45-mph speed limit road. This is, as they say, Not A Good Sign.
On the way home, around 7 p.m., stopped at Whole Foods Market to pick up a couple of things. In retrospect, seeing as how I hadn't eaten since a salad at lunch, this was probably Not A Good Idea. None the less, I snacked (all words are spelled correctly at Whole Foods) my way through the various samples, at one point commenting to an employee (who was also enjoying the smoked salmon spread) that I "should know better than to come here hungry." Half a store later, the same employee tracks me down and asks "did you check out the roasted vegetables in the produce section?" (I had, and thanked him for looking out for me.) You've got to love customer service...it seems so rare these days.

From Camelot

2005-10-05T21:22:00.000-04:00

Received via e-mail from a Massachusetts friend:

Liberal that I am, I still couldn't resist passing onthe following:

"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished died."

-- Ted Kennedy on Hurricane Katrina

"Ditto"

-- Mary Jo Kopechne

Potato Chips and Energy

2005-10-03T08:17:00.000-04:00

I stumbled over the weekend upon this fascinating quote from Vice President Cheney, one which neatly sums up our nation's energy policy:

"Conservation may be a sign of personal virtue but it is not a sufficient basis for a sound, comprehensive energy policy."

So, what Dick is basically saying is that the Bush administration espouses the Lay's Potato Chip theory of energy policy: "Eat all you want, we'll make more." But with the little bit of icing on top: "You choose to be responsible with your energy usage and not squander the resources God has given us? Good for you! Here's a pat on the head. Now get your f*ing Prius out of the way of my Hummer."

I never cease to be amazed at the sheer gluttony of individuals and blindness of the Administration and of big business over the use of resources, particularly energy resources, and their disdain for the environment. Coincidentally, our associate minister preached yesterday on the Biblical passage (from Genesis), one likely much loved and definitely twisted by Bush and his ilk, that man has dominion over God's creation:

...In God's image, humanity is given dominion over the rest of God's creation on earth. In effect, as (Walter) Brueggemann writes, "The human creature attests to the Godness of God by exercising freedom with and authority over all the other creatures entrusted to its care. The image of God in the human person is a mandate of power and responsibility." But it is not any power-it is power as God exercises power. In God's image, we are to exercise power as God would. It is not an abusive power, but a power which "invites, evokes, and permits." The "dominion" here is with reference to the animals. The dominance is that of a shepherd who cares for, tends and feeds the animals. "The task of 'dominion' does not have to do with exploitation and abuse. It has to do with securing the well-being of every other creature and bringing the promise of each to full fruition."

With 3% of the world's population using 25% of the world's resources, are Americans truly securing the well-being of every other creature and bringing the promise of each to full fruition? Or are we simply rushing and bullying our way to the trough?

Side effects may include...

2005-10-02T12:40:00.000-04:00

I participated yesterday in the Philadelphia Dragon Boat Festival, a great event on a picture-perfect day. I couldn't help but be amused by a team in a tent near ours, though -- one from whatever pharmaceutical giant manufactures Levitra, one of the popular ED drugs. Their uniform shirts had a big Levitra logo on back and banners on their tent proudly advertised their product. But I couldn't help but think that their team should have had a disclaimer: If you are still paddling with long, deep strokes after four hours, you should contact a physician immediately.

Blind Justice

2005-09-30T09:02:00.000-04:00

Well, kids, we now have Man-Without-History-Or-Opinions John Roberts as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. I've tried to be open-minded about this appointment* and give him the benefit of the doubt...on paper, he seems to be well-educated and well-qualified...but there's something about the complete obfuscation of his background, his essence, and the way he parried every question directed his way that is unnerving. Like we've all been sold a bill of goods as to how he has no agenda and will simply interpret the Constitution. I fear that he will show up on the bench next Monday and pull off his mask to reveal that he is really our esteemed junior Senator Rick Santorum, with whom he shares that smug, far-right-wacko-white-guy-in-pretty-Trojan**-horse-exterior look:

Part of this, of course, is my natural skepticism of any action of the Bush administration, which is totally indebted to its similarly right-wing, "religious," big-money base and isn't beyond hiding the truth behind its actions. It's my theory* that they never would have gotten Roberts a second sniff as a Chief Justice candidate were he nominated for this position initially, but that the whole episode was carefully choreographed by Vice President and Chief Puppeteer Cheney, who, pulled the plug on ailing Chief Justice Rehnquist just in time to deflect criticism of Bush post-Katrina, and to support making the case to appoint Roberts as Chief Justice as there simply wouldn't be enough time to appoint TWO justices before October. Brilliant!

OK, perhaps I'm taking this theory a little too far. But when it comes out in the papers in a couple of years, remember you heard it here first.

(Sarcasm alert!)

* as if my opinions or theories count in this country, as I am a Democrat and a liberal Christian.

** not a reference to Trojans, a form of birth control that encourages sex without procreation, which is, of course, just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Another Reason to Love NPR

2005-09-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

I'll admit it: I'm an NPR addict. In these days where news is increasingly manipulated, spun, and dumbed-down so as to be entertaining (do we need to see the latest "American Idol" results on news programming? And isn't "Fox News" an oxymoron?), it is refreshing to listen to news and talk programming that is consistently well-thought-out, insightful, entertaining, and that covers not only current headlines, but also less-mainstream stories, with depth, journalistic commitment, and purpose.

This morning, on Morning Edition, something subtle yet absolutely brilliant was broadcast, following a long story on a new blood test that purportedly can tell the sex of a fetus with 99.9% accuracy...the musical interlude following the story, leading up to the half-hour, was just a few bars of harmonica...which those of us of a certain age group recognize as the opening bars to the 1962 hit "Hey! Baby (Will You Be My Girl?)."

Top that, Bill O'Reilly.

Picture This

2005-09-28T13:57:00.000-04:00

While opening a container of organic half-and-half (hey, I said I was a Whole Foods Market snob) this morning, my eye caught something interesting on the side of the container: "Grass-Fed Half-and-Half." Now, one could argue the accuracy of this description, but I was taken with the mental image of a grassy hillside, probably somewhere in Vermont, where a herd of pint containers grazes contently..."

Two totally unrelated items:

- As a follow up to the pedophilia priests post, the Philadelphia Inquirer noted yesterday in its editorial page that there is no statute of limitations on unpaid parking tickets -- as the City of Philadelphia is aggressively pursuing decades-old violations -- but that there is a statute of limitations on the crimes outlined in the grand jury report. Say, Father, how about next time you perform an act of God on a child, make sure you feed the meter first...

- Phillies playoff and World Series tickets available, cheap. Inquire within. A couple of cardinal (not St. Louis) rules of baseball for playoff contenders:

(1) Good teams don't come up small in big games.
(2) Good teams simply MUST feast on shitty teams in September, if they want to play in October.

Tonight is the last home game of the year, Fan Appreciation Night. I suspect the fans will not feel appreciative or appreciated. I entertained thoughts of going down, mostly to participate in adverse crowd reaction, but there are so many things that are a better use of my time, such as watching grass grow, reading to the dog, or posting to this blog...

Third baseman David Bell will most likely not make it to tonight's game, as he will be running to catch a parked taxi and will miss it by 30 feet.

City of Fatherly Love

2005-09-26T20:17:00.000-04:00

Preface and Disclaimer: There's Nothing Quite Like A Convert.

Hot news from our fair city last week was of the grand jury investigation into pedophilia and child abuse in the Diocese of Philadelphia, including the juicy tidbit that one priest brought an 11-year-old girl he had impregnated for an abortion.

OK, folks, the number of levels on which this is wrong simply boggles the mind. List 'em off, kids! Ready, set, GO!

It's Hard Work

2005-09-21T08:35:00.000-04:00

I don't want to sound like our esteemed Commander-in-Chief, but it has been tough...hard work... to keep up with posts here...I'm trying not to fall into the blogger trap of feeling the need to chronicle every event (which would be way boring) and thought (which might not pass through adult-content filters) of my day. So there will be days here without content. It is, truly, hard work. Maybe I need to take a five-week vacation.

But anyway, I had a moment the other night that begged for a camera phone...while at a dance class (more later) in a local private school gym, I notice the fire evacuation instructions posted by the door: In Event of Fire, exit straight to Graveyard. Guess they anticipate that sucker is really going to burn quickly?

Now, why are we going to dance class? Let me unequivocally state that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with "reality-television" dance shows...we watch so little television, and particularly not any of the ridiculously-pathetic "reality" shows that have so captivated our intelligent populace. (Mrs. Po thinks that the worst offender of this genre should be called "Americans Idle" due to the overwhelming attention it enjoys.) No, going to a dance class has everything to do with always wanting to be able to do more than the Elaine Benes two-step, and frankly, anything that allows two consenting adults to spend time together and enjoy some physical activity is a good thing. And at least dance class happens once weekly.

Another observation. Why do people feel no shame at hanging cardboard auto air fresheners, much less multiple ones, from their rear-view mirrors? Yes, I recognize that some people have aroma problems in their automobiles. But why advertise it? Why not post a sign there that says, "I Eat Lots of Cabbage?" Is it possible that, owner's lack of pride aside, the air freshener might make the car more attractive to thieves? "Hey, Bob, hold on -- don't break into that Taurus, the Camry over here has Fresh Vanilla scent!" What's next in this troubling trend of self-disclosure? People putting signs on their homes, saying "Cat Box Inside, House Smells Like Urine Factory?"

Disclaimer: the author has an Aura Cacia auto aromatherapy thingie inserted into his car's cigarette lighter, and carries a couple of different kinds of aromatic oils in the glove compartment. "Aha," you say, "a Whole Foods Market snob!"

Fun Quote of the Day

2005-09-16T16:34:00.000-04:00

"As we clear away the debris of a hurricane, let us also clear away the legacy of inequality."
- President Bush at a national prayer service today.

(Just as soon as I pass a few more tax breaks for the rich...then, and only then, we'll address this inequality thing. I promise.)

Just Walk Away, Renee

2005-09-16T15:14:00.000-04:00

FINALLY, a ray of light among all the clouds of devastation, war, and typical governmental stupidity: Renee Zellweger has come to her senses and filed for annulment of her marriage to country "music" performer Kenny Chesney. Renee, darling, I don't know what you were thinking...I just don't picture YOU, object of my lust, as thinking anyone's tractor is sexy. Guess the air was a little thin up on Cold Mountain.

Now, go back to blonde and put on a few of those Bridget Jones pounds again, and all will be right with the world...

Another FEMA Confidence-Builder

2005-09-15T09:46:00.000-04:00

And in other news, it was announced that Michael Paulison would become the new head of FEMA...yes, the same Paulison who once suggested that, in the event of a chemical or biological attack, we could protect ourselves by using duct tape to seal our homes.

You're doing a heck of a job, Paulie.

Sucker!

2005-09-15T09:36:00.000-04:00

Main Entry: 1 suck'·er
Function: noun
1a : one that sucks especially a breast or udder : SUCKLING b : a device for creating or regulating suction (as a piston or valve in a pump) c : a pipe or tube through which something is drawn by suction d (1) : an organ in various animals for adhering or holding (2) : a mouth (as of a leech) adapted for sucking or adhering
2 : a shoot from the roots or lower part of the stem of a plant
3 : any of numerous chiefly No. American freshwater bony fishes (family Catostomidae) closely related to the carps but distinguished from them especially by the structure of the mouth which usually has thick soft lips
4 : LOLLIPOP 1
5 a : a person easily cheated or deceived

Example: me and a surprising number of friends who, despite statements as late as Monday of this week that we were giving up on the Phillies this year and wouldn't even consider purchasing playoff tickets, ponied up our credit card numbers on or before the Tuesday night deadline to ensure that we'll have tickets should the Phils (now tied in the NL wild-card playoff race) actually make it to the playoffs.

If not, I will request that the non-refundable transaction fee be applied to the procurement of a new third baseman, or a reliable starting pitcher.

And each of us came clean with each other in similar fashion: "I know I said I wasn't going to do it, but I couldn't help myself..." Ahh, baseball and the subtle yet deep addiction it creates, says the man who called this team "most sincerely dead" less than a week.

Heard and Seen...

2005-09-13T16:00:00.000-04:00

A few things that make one think:

Heard on NPR this morning, an interview with a physician who criticized lax environmental requirements by -- everyone join in, now, big surprise -- the Bush Administration on mercury pollution levels, in which the speaker made the point that allowing such high levels of mercury in the environment is bad especially for children, saying that children would have impaired "ability to compete in the global marketplace" and referring to them as our future "intellectual capital." Guess he doesn't give a damn about whether they become thoughtful, intelligent, artistic, caring, peace-loving, well-rounded adults and members of society. Just not important.
Saw a bumper sticker that identified the driver as a "Lifetime Member of (university name withheld) Alumni Association." Correct me if I'm wrong, but once you graduate, aren't you forever and ever an alumnus/na? Can someone be excommunicated or delumnified? I'm guessing the message is simply a nicer way of saying "I Got Conned Into Making A Huge Donation, And All I Got Was This Dopey Bumper Sticker."
IMHO, big-ass SUVs and the people who drive them are the perfect symbol of greed, waste, arrogance, and self-centeredness. Regrettably, those of us who drive size-appropriate automobiles have to co-exist with these behemoths. But can someone explain to me why, in a parking lot, we often have to wait for these monstrosities to back into parking spaces, usually by executing a perfect 14-point turn? Isn't it simpler to pull straight into a small space, and back out into a large one (i.e. a two-lane parking lot aisle)? Extra discredit points for those with any Bush stickers (I find "W Stands for Women" particularly amusing...how do you like John Roberts as the next Sandra Day O'Connor, ladies?) or ridiculous ribbon magnets (God Bless America, implying no one else, another symbol of the Urban Assault Vehicle crowd)...
At BJ's Wholesale Club, the large-size (quantity, not volume, presumably) Trojan-Enz Lubricated Condoms on the shelf right next to the EPT Home Pregnancy Test Kits.

Hope in a Hopeless World

2005-09-12T20:49:00.000-04:00

Sitting down at 8:45 on a Monday evening, at half-speed after a day at work and an evening yoga class, there is indeed hope and inspiration that Braves' first baseman Julio Franco is nearly as old as I am. Old guys rule!

Is Our Adults Learning?

2005-09-12T13:03:00.000-04:00

Some language pet peeves that simply drive me f'ing crazy:

The incorrect use of terms such as "only" or "just," where they are intended to emphasize a small number. For example, most people would say "I only ate one piece of pie" when the clear meaning is "I ate only one piece of pie"...where "only" is supposed to apply to the number, not the verb. In the former case, did the speaker do anything else but eat a piece of pie? Breathe? Blink? Watch reality television? I would think so.
"Presently" does not mean "at present." It means "in the near future," save for those dictionaries which routinely set their standards based on lazy-usage bastardization of the language. Look it up.
Egregiously-lame understanding of when to use apostrophes, even in the simplest of situations (pluralization), such as when persons who should know better have a sign in front of their McMansions (not McMansion's) saying "The Smith's."
"Premiere" means "first public performance." "Premier" means "first in order or importance." Examples: "President Bush is the premier a-hole in the land." "The premiere of President Bush's performance of Mangling the English Language, Thereby Causing Embarrassment for All Thinking Citizens will be Tuesday, September 13."
The response to the phrase "Thank You" in any polite conversation is "You're Welcome," not "You Bet," "No Problem," "Uh-huh," etc. I can completely understand this happening on Fox News, but regrettably, it happens all too often on NPR as well. Go figure.

You're welcome.

Coincidence...or Tripe?

2005-09-10T13:05:00.000-04:00

Interestingly, a day after I dip my toe into the ocean o' blogs for the first time, we see this entry from the comic strip "Helen, Sweetheart of the Internet:" (as I'm still trying to figure out the whole composition thing, you may have to click on the strip to be able to read it without an electron microscope):

I harbor absolutely no illusions that I'll be in the 0.001%...

Today's news item: FEMA Director Michael Brown Sent Home.

Where his Medal of Freedom, the symbol of outstanding achievement in the Bush adminstration, surely awaits.

On baseball

2005-09-09T11:30:00.000-04:00

I am a fan of the Boston Red Sox, having found this particular, intense brand of religion after moving to New England from the NY metro area 24 years ago...I was never a fan of George Steinbrenner, so renouncing the Yankees was much easier than I expected, and I now hate them, their "mystique," and their fans with the heat of a thousand suns. Last year, needless to say, was sheer Nirvana, tempered only by the fact that I wasn't sitting in a bleacher seat at Fenway (which cost only $1.50 my first summer up there...sigh). Set me up with a game on radio, and the latest oeuvre from Roger Angell, and I'm happy.

However, having moved to the Philadelphia area about 10 years ago, I also follow the local entry, the Phillies, who have a long and rich tradition of losing. Usually by the Fourth of July, the Fightin' Phils have removed all the stress of a potential pennant race from our lives, and this year, early on, was looking like no exception. I had commented to a friend with whom I share partial season tickets, with reference to the Phillies' lack of improvement activity in the off-season, that it would be a relaxing year at the ballpark, watching the best players in the National League (who are on other teams' rosters), and enjoying Italian roast pork sandwiches (with sharp provolone and broccoli rabe, naturally) from Tony Luke's and the occasional beer or three.

Surprisingly, the Phils were in it until this week...I suppose statistically they still have a chance, but realistically, they're toast after coming up REALLY small in some big games. The capper was a three-game sweep at home, the worst being the game on Wednesday, when they wasted an 8th inning rally (courtesy of a truly Charlie Manuel-esque and uncharacteristic managerial blunder by Phil Garner, removing a lefthander with Chase Utley, Bobby Abreu, and Ryan Howard as three of the next five hitters) and totally blew the game in the 9th inning. Losses are bad enough, but most of the players simply don't appear to care. They show no emotion when they fail to hit in clutch situations, strike out, etc...it's simply walk back to the dugout and, well, whatever, we'll get 'em next time. Some of the players simply don't have a good grasp of the fundamental things you need to do...e.g. working the count when a pitcher is struggling...to win games. Columnist Frank Fitzpatrick in today's Inquirer puts it best:

Dear Phillies:

I've got a new nickname for you.

The Tin Woodsmen.

Oh, I know in the past others have suggested name changes. One owner briefly called you the Blue Jays. Another tried the Live Wires. And, frankly, I've called you much worse during a half-century when you've treated my psyche like a piñata.

But after watching you surrender to the Astros this week, I'm convinced Tin Woodsmen is perfect.

Perhaps you're too young to comprehend the reference. Let me explain: Back in 1939 - a year, by the way, in which your Phillies forebears went 45-106 and finished 501/2 games back - there was this movie called The Wizard of Oz.

One of its main characters was the Tin Woodsman. He lacked a heart.

See the connection yet?

He eventually traveled to Oz to get one.

Need directions?

Yes, Totos, it's clear you need a heart. How else could you remain so collectively meek as the Astros and Marlins continue to bedevil you like Flying Monkeys? If there were anything beating inside your chests, you'd have to fight back, throw a brushback pitch, knock over a shortstop, drop a house on Jack McKeon.

It's true you guys aren't the first Phillies team to be missing a heart. The 1976-78 Phils were more talented than you, but equally as inept under pressure.

They could win anytime they wanted - as long as it wasn't a big game against the Pirates, Reds or Dodgers. "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!"

So in 1979 they visited the Wizard. They came back with Pete Rose - which kind of suggests the Wizard must have had an office at the dog track in Oz.

Rose lent the Phillies a snarl. An attitude. A heart. (He has since asked for them back so he can autograph them at a forthcoming card show, but that's another story.)

Anyway, the Phillies got a heart. And a year later they won their first, and only, World Series.

If ever there was a time when heart was demanded, it was in those three excruciating losses to the Astros. Instead, you looked ready to lose. The curtain was pulled back on your character and we all were forced to pay attention to the unpleasant reality behind it.

And now, to paraphrase what the Munchkin Coroner said of the squashed Wicked Witch, you're not only merely dead, you're really most sincerely dead.

So you can follow that yellow brick road, my pretties, and click your spiked red slippers for as long as you want.

But until you find a heart, you're going to be stuck on this side of the rainbow, forever.

Baseball season is SO most sincerely dead in Philadelphia. I should just drive to Tony Luke's when I need my roast pork fix, and save the aggravation.

Welcome...

2005-09-09T08:35:00.000-04:00

...to you and to me as well, for joining the community of folks who feel that what they have to say is important, witty, and/or entertaining enough to take up space on the Internet. But I figure, with only a modicum of conceit, that if my high-school-age daughters and their friends can do the same on Xanga, that I should be able to contribute something more weighty to the world of discourse. Time will tell.

A few quotes will give a snapshot of me, for those of you who may be interested:

- "...what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8)
- "Baseball is boring only to boring people." (Prof. Richard Brockhaus)
- "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" (Bluto Blutarski)
- "Don't you feel like desperadoes under the eaves?" (the late, great Warren Zevon)

Well, OK, I don't know what the third one has to do with anything, but it is a classic movie moment.

But on to content. I'll start with a thought I had this morning. (NOTE: if you're a fan of the Bush Administration, please move along...there is nothing for you to see or enjoy here, largely because their thoughts, words, and actions are so maddeningly contradictory to quote #1 above.) With all due respect to the tragic losses suffered by those families of 9/11 victims, why is it our administration saw fit to reward them with settlements in the hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of dollars, while widows/widowers of our brave soldiers (regardless of the validity of the "war" they're fighting) get a figuative pat on the head and a check for $12 grand? And those lucky enough to survive Hurricane Katrina after days of governmental neglect get a $2K debit card? Just asking...

And this news item, gleaned from today's Philadelphia Inquirer: while many Gulf Coast residents waited out the storm and its aftermath in their attics, with relatives, or in squalid shelters with minimal supplies, the Tulane University football team was housed comfortably at a Doubletree Hotel outside of Dallas. Hopefully, I'm not the only one asking why, if the University is closed, it's business as usual for the athletic department? Do you suppose Tulane is providing the same level of support for its choral music groups, for instance? Where are the priorities?